A Glass Prison

It's like looking at her from a distance. I can see her, look at her, maybe smile at her, but never talk to her. I may send a message through a sign, and that's it. Never a word spoken, never a thought shared. Viewed from every side, this is my fate it seems. I see her with all glory and grace; I witness her joyful moments; but I never hear her voice. Is it just me or there's an unseen barrier between me and her. I am this close yet I'm so far. I'd like to approach her, know her, maybe move a little closer, until I get pushed back by the prison walls.

Somehow I need to see the glass shatter; I need to see it break.

A Song To Sing

I was strumming the guitar last night. I wasn't really singing a particular song. Just a bunch of chords and a few hums of notes. I paused for a brief moment and decided to pluck each string. I closed my eyes, technically staring at nothingness. Then somehow, I found myself humming a familiar melody. Then my left hand unconsciously formed each chord related to that melody. Before I knew it, I was singing a song. Yeah, that song. A song I haven't sung for a long time. A long time. The phrases reminded me of the good times and of good things - things that once were and now lost in time and in memory. Until now, I still find it hard to sing, not to mention that the song actually requires a duet. As I worked my way into the last chorus, just before I hit that high note, both of my hands froze. That particular note - that note which is the highest point in the song, I was unable to sing. Its pathetic cause it is not even a high note. Its just that...I used to sing that note perfectly with someone. I just found myself putting the guitar down. I can't even finish that darn song anymore. Maybe I never will.

I wish I could find someone to sing that song for me. Better, if I can find another song to sing.

Losing My Religion

When I was in my second year in college, I had a brief encounter with religion which changed my view for some time. I was told that the word came from the Latin term re-legare which roughly means to bind again or to connect again. It was explained that religion is a way in which a man reconnects himself to God again; to again try to commune with the Highest Power - to try to once again "unbreak" the bond that was broken between God and man. Whatever that bond might have been, it is a serious one. Even today, most of humanity still depends on religion to guide them, affecting them in many ways. Millions have suffered and died in the name of religion. If this is the case, I surmised that religion, after all, is actually man-made, and anything that is man-made has its faults. Nothing is absolute.

Studying different kinds of religion gave me an opportunity to dissect man's role in religion. The first assumption I had is that religion was invented by man because of two reasons : first, to find an explanation to what his senses detect and to his experiences; and two, to control his feral nature. Since time immemorial, man has been subjected to the the forces of nature. If man experiences or senses something that he cannot explain or understand (which is more often than not, extraordinary), he attributes it to a force unseen and more powerful than him. The idea of a God then arises. He needs to convince himself that anything beyond his control and power comes from a supreme being or force. By inventing this, he submits himself to this force, ends his struggle of finding an answer to anything. He venerates this force, and by submitting to this force, his actions and decisions are all affected. He lives his life under the guidance of this force.

Secondly, man completely understands his feral nature ; that is, his capability to kill, destroy, misuse and abuse anything. Religion becomes a source of control and discipline. For example, the crime of murder. Man is an emotional being, and emotions cloud his rationality. At times his anger overcomes his reasoning, enabling him to kill another. If there's no law against murder, the world would be a different place. A law must be present, and such law should be made under the guidance of a powerful force to compel man to fear punishment. Religion now becomes a source of fear and a form of control. Food is collected, conserved and offered depending on such divine laws. The very nature of man's life is molded and refined because of religion.

The idea of religion being an invention of man rather than something that is given by God is somewhat true. Man has to make something out of his limited understanding of life and of the universe. He then succumbs to a body of axioms, beliefs, fundamentals and perceptions, neglecting the sole purpose of faith. Many have suffered in man's misuse of religion. Religion will never be able to solve life's problems nor will it able to give you the answer to very nature and essence of life. God never spoke of religion I believe. He spoke of love, faith and trust in Him, and not to a set of rituals, rules, ceremonies, forms, culture and traditions that tends to misdirect man into thinking that these are proper ways. Faith is a whole different aspect.

Total Immersion

K4J's last pool party was a breather. Somehow, the longing for a form of relaxation came to me again. I just want to go to the top of a building during the evenings, sit there and immerse myself with the panoramic view of modern city lights. It is a therapy for me really, watching the glittering lights of buildings, street lights and cars as they rush on the crowded traffic. It gives me a sense of wonder : an artificial universe gleaming with hundreds of lights mimicking the stars. I'd be listening to some instrumental song or if not maybe I'd just listen to the sound of the waters in the pool.

I'm such a sentimental freak.

...And we called him 'Berber'

I saw my old teddy bear when I cleaned my closet last night. It has been sitting in that dark and lonely corner for more than a year now. Somehow I felt glad to see it once again.

I took it out and gently rubbed its furry nose. I remember that first time he was given to me. Along with him is a promise of a long and lasting love. He served as a testament of how love grew and prospered. He is a witness of the many wonderful things that two people do and experience all in the name of love. He is a testimony of how two people struggled to beat the odds and fight for their love. It's so sad to know that he has to be a sign of that same love which failed in the end. If he could speak to me right now, I wonder the sad words he will be telling me, and how sad he is to know that he is nothing now but a memoir of a love lost among the intricacies of life and its complications. If he could speak to me right now..yeah.

But he won't speak. He never will. It's a pity.

Maria Lourdes

I didn't know anything about puppy love until I got to grade 2. Before that, all I knew was school, play and sleep. When I was transferred from a private school to a public school, everything changed.

I remember her the instant I walked into the classroom. I was the new kid on the block, came from an elite elementary school, can barely speak Ilocano and looked sheepish. I was crying because I didn't like to be transferred. But I had to. I was sitting there at the last chair of the last row, wiping my tears, then I caught her smiling at me. It was the first smile of the day. I looked at her : cute smile, hypnotic eyes, long and curly semi-blond hair, fair complexion - no, I wasn't interested. She stood up and came to where I was sitting. She gave me a marshmallow. A marshmallow! Now we're talkin'!

For the next couple of weeks, it was all love letters, smiles, glances, timid conversations and, of course, more marshmallows. This went on from grade 2 until grade 6 when we finally parted ways. After the graduation ceremony, she gave me a kiss. For me, it was a sign of gratitude, for those wonderful youthful years we had. The last time that I saw her was before I came back from my last vacation. It was in a hospital and I bet she went for a check-up. She has to go for a check-up because she was eight or nine months pregnant. I saw her smile again - the same smile she gave me on that fateful day. Deep inside, I am truly grateful that she's been part of my life. I was fortunate to be able to know and experience what puppy love is all about. She will forever be a part of my childhood memories.

I Against the Universe (Cosmic Headrush)

In the infinite recesses of space and time, I am but a mote of dust.

It is said that all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Across the endless cycles of seasons and the seemingly ageless eons, human life is only but a flash of light. I, for one, believe that until the time comes that we fully understand our lives' purpose, we are forever bounded by such limits. Within this soul of mine, I find it hard to believe that even life can be so simple yet complicated.

I remember that moment when I came across a scientific principle. Having taught myself of the basic principles and manifestations of relativity and quantum mechanics, I stumbled upon something that confirms reality as we know it. The second of law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium increases over time. Entropy is the amount of randomness, irregularity, or, should I say, chaos in a given system. In a universe considered to be not in equilibrium such as ours, we are at the mercy of this principle. As time increases, entropy will increase no matter what we do. As we look at a glass of water, we don't find it in chaos, but in reality, it is already in a state of conflict, wherein its basic particles are struggling against the forces of gravity and what-not. Everything in the universe, including itself, will come to an end. We humans, having thought of the ones in control, are at the mercy of the very forces of the cosmos. We are bounded to be in chaos. At least, science goes well with religion in relation to a common "end of time". Eternity has to come to an end it seems.

We, however, are created with a gift that transcends both space and time, and that is, our ability to love. It is by this love that we hold on to our hopes and promises : the same love we spoke of when we muttered words of affection, when we did things that we normally can't do, when we devote ourselves in caring and helping each other in the spirit of brotherhood and humanity. It is by this love that we hold on to our faith, and that by being loved and being able to love we are able to sample that elusive touch of eternity. In love, we find that every second of our brief lives extends beyond our current understanding. It is by love that we stand infinite. Love is the very reason of living. Only in love can we find eternity.

I am no longer a mote of dust.

Dark Have Been My Dreams Of Late

For the last two or three weeks, I didn't dream of anything literally. Ever since I became aware of things since I was young, dreams have been part of my slumber. I dream like almost every after two nights on the average, and I can remember most of them. One can almost say that I am a natural dreamer. I dream when I'm in an emotional state : when I'm sad or happy, in love, in distress, inspired or what-not.

Now, I'm almost worried that I don't dream that often. I'm not used to not dreaming. I'm wondering what's wrong with me. Am I not that emotional right now? Lols. Am I too "gray" currently and that am I really that emotionless? Anyways, I hope I can get back to dreaming again. Or maybe I am actually dreaming but only empty dreams. But I don't really like dark and empty dreams. I hope dreams can visit me again.

What A Loser

Work is killing me now. I've got tight deadlines to meet. This sucks. I think this is what work is all about. Somehow I get the feeling that the more you think of work as something very tedious, the more you suffer from its headaches. Anyhow, my boss never did scold me for anything so I think this will be the first time. Lolz.

That's odd. I'm so busy but I even got the time to write on my blog. I'm such a loser hehe.

I Love MU

Somehow, I miss MU, especially playing my DarkLord avatar. Last night I got a glimpse of MU again when I went to one of my friend's birthday and I felt a sense of longing. That game was lifesaver. I gained friends inside the game, friends who do exist in real life. I was really a loner that time. Playing MU gave me an opportunity to fill a space in being alone, and, interestingly, after long months of playing, made me realize that I should get out more often and be with friends. Without MU, I would have been more of a loner now. Playing MU showed the ugly aspects of being alone so, in one way or another, it was really a great help.

Tonight, I will once again rekindle the fire of MU and let the whole MU world know that LordRye has come back to redeem his glory once again. Hahah, 'nuff said.

Endless Sacrifice

I often wonder how great it would be if I could turn back time, and how convenient it would be to correct mistakes in the past - to right what was wrong, and to redeem yourself of the sufferings at present or in the future. Even until now, I still ponder on such wish, and what could have been if I was able to make up for the many things that I neglected.

But time is something that will forever be moving forward, and as much as we want to, the arrow of time can only move in one direction. One thing that we have is our ability to revisit the past - through our memories, and no matter how hard we try, there will always be fragments of a past which will come to your mind from time to time. How we wish we can do a selective removal of such, and how we wish we can select the memories that we want to stay.

In reality, we cannot, and through these memories, we learn to understand, we learn to let go, and we learn to forgive.

Playing Guitar in Relation with Dishwashing

The iWorship Singles concert was really a success, and an eye-opener for me as a musician. I played an acoustic guitar and quite frankly, it felt different. It is an eye opener for me since I've always been a electric guitar guy, and my hands aren't that strong anymore to maintain my grip on chords, most especially on the barred ones.

I can still remember my high school years when I played acoustic guitar all the time. That time was when I was playing guitar for the daily morning mass. There were many occasions where I have to play loud and hard; people at the back can barely hear my guitar, not to mention that I was playing in a rather big-sized church. Also, I can't afford an electric guitar when I was a high school student so I practiced heavily on an acoustic guitar, which is more often than not, borrowed from my friends as I was not able to buy even a modest acoustic guitar before. I practiced all day, everything that I listened to, I'd play on the acoustic guitar. I learned my first song on an acoustic guitar, and played it from start to finish. I completed my first guitar solo on a guitar and it was really fun. I practiced heavily; whenever I get the chance, I'll play the guitar. Practicing heavily also became an excuse for me to skip dish-washing - I reasoned to my mom that I don't want the skin at the tip of my fingers lose their resistance against the strings ( a combination of cold water and detergent soap used in dish-washing during that time was, for me, the most dangerous concoction known to man), so I don't want to wash dishes. I even reasoned out that my hands should rest after every practice, so I made to a point to always practice before meals, so I can skip the dish-washing.

There were other crazy things that I did in the name of guitar playing. The whole point is that one has to be really interested and enthusiastic about learning guitar. Like any other field of interest, you need to have clear goals. From that point on, you can move forward. With patience, perseverance, a little bit of sacrifice, focus and determination, one can truly be the guitarist he or she aspires most.

In Electric Dreams

I recently downloaded some songs from the 80s, and I found one song that truly reminds me of my growing years. Yeah, so I'm form the 80s, and yeah you can probably estimate my age XD. Anyways, as I was listening to the song, I suddenly remembered my youth, those times when I don't really care about anything except playing and listening to the radio all day. Maybe the latter contributed to my musical inclination at present. During those years, I learned about many things : from things that interest me the most such as science, cartoons, music, reading to collecting robots and what-not.


As the song enters its chorus, I felt a warm and comforting sensation, something which tickles the spine as my senses reach out for my younger years. Music is really a powerful medium : it can take you anywhere, at any point in time, past, present and future, even to one's own dreams.

Not An Ordinary Peon It Seems

As I look out of my window from where I work, beyond the beautiful landscaped gardens, I usually see people walk by, either talking or probably just thinking about their own jobs. Under the scorching heat of the sun, I wonder the kind of motivation that drives them work - the reasons that compel them. It becomes apparent to me that I am also one of them : someone who came all the way from my beloved land to work here with my own reasons. Sometimes we get lazy with our work. Sometimes we get this illusion that we're so important that we can just go easy with our work, and when we get tired, we decide to leave the jobs we have. Worst, we buy what we want from the salary that we get. We spend money to pamper ourselves with whatever we want.

From my point of view, we are all but privileged strangers in a foreign land; the ones who are lucky enough among so many people, who perhaps are more suited and better-skilled than us, who can also fill in the job. We are the ones who are among many people who will give or do whatever they can just to find a job in today's receding economy ; people who have the same reason as ours - to give a better life to their loved ones. They are the ones who are in queues everyday in the immigration, spending their little-earned (and sometimes loaned) money to be able to find a job somewhere, carrying the documents and the hopes of landing on any job. They are the unprivileged ones. To a certain extent, we should look at them as an inspiration, and not as a fearful sign of what we can be. We see them and we become aware of how lucky we are to have jobs today, and how strangely blessed we are that we are given a chance to work in a foreign land. It is quite ironic for the under-privileged to inspire the privileged ones, but that is how I see it. So next time, before you think of being lazy at work, or feel like resigning, think of the thousands more of would give anything to fill in that position you have, and how lucky you are to be one of the few who landed up on that job.

Artistic Headrush

There's always something about the rain. The coolness it brings; the sentiments it conjures, and its gentle kiss when it touches the ground.

I can still remember the last rain that I saw when I came back - the smell of wet ground, the noise on the roof, and the soothing raindrops that seem to wash away all your worries. I still can remember the moment when it all came to me, the faint memories of a love long gone - how it began with a simple hello; how it blossomed under the warmth of the sun, guided by the soaring winds of the seasons; how did it endure all the storms; how did it became weak as the sea pounded its sandy foundations; and how did it die like a leaf during fall. All of these rushed into my very senses that faithful moment - their manifestations inevitably enveloped with me, and they rocked me to my core. As raindrops pounded heavily on my face, my heart screamed, creating a nostalgic duet with the roaring thunder above. In the rain, no one would know that you're crying. No one would realize that those are actually tears, and no one would know that you are hurting. I cried my soul out, just to be silenced by the ever-pouring rain. I fell to my knees, hands limping, palms facing the sky, seemingly tired of all the burden. And just as I was about to sink into the mud, I raised my face into the dark skies...

Behind those clouds, I saw a glimpse of the sun.