Relief

I've been very busy with work these past days. Luckily, I was able to level up in Dekaron, after almost 3 weeks. I don't usually stay up late now to play. Last night, we want to a drag race championship with Ivan, his brother, Allan and Joel. It was really a great experience for me.

I felt relieved. Somehow it was a therapy for me - to go out and see some places. It somehow refreshes you when you're stressed because of work.

Bored of Today

This day seemed to be boring. I had little work. All I’m looking forward to is Mitch’s lunch treat. Nothing interesting really happened today.

There will be a band rehearsal this evening. I sure hope that we finally get the songs right. Until now, I’m still loving the new guitar bought by the music ministry. I can actually do both shred and soulful music in the instrument. Somehow, that guitar eclipsed my notion of the Ibanez RG-based models that I used to dream of.

Wina

I remember her as someone cute and pretty. But I might have never noticed her if I hadn't shifted my attention from my other crushes. Well, this was during my 6th elementary grade, and as every boy nearing his puberty age, every cute girl seems to be a potential "crusher" so to speak. I remember her as one of those girls who can really make me smile. She was one of the "ideal ones". I remember her letters to me, the ones that touched me most when she wrote how happy was she when I told her that I am attracted to her - and, yes, its true, it was just an attraction after all. I felt guilty when I sait it to her. We both knew that we had to part ways.

During my high school days, we were still able to keep in touch. The distance became greater when I went to college to pursue my degree. I almost forgot about her. Sometime duing my last year in college, I came to know that she got preganant and was planning to marry. Our old friends invited me for a beach party, and they told me that she was expecting me. We talked about things until she cried and told me that she needed me. She gave me a kiss and asked me if I'm willing to give us another chance. I told her that she'll be a mother soon, and instead of complicating things, she should be preparing for her family. I knew it was really hard for her but I never wanted to break bonds and relationships. I left the party and moved on.

It was about two years ago when I last saw her. She was working in a dress shop as a saleslady. Though the hardship of being a mother has taken its toll on her, she still had that sweet smile. She was happy. I dreamt of her lately. I saw her with me on that classroom when she and I used to sit and talk about anything.

I hope the best for her and for her family. Her memories will always remind me of a childhood love lost in space and time.

The Solo of My Life

The thing that got me on to playing guitar was when I saw Kuya Mark, my classmate’s brother when I was in elementary, playing the intro solo of Sweet Child of Mine. I was taken back by the mere notion that I can actually see someone making the exact sound that I was hearing from the cassette tape. I was totally blown away. He let me listen to Poison, Guns and Roses, Skid Row and other hair bands. From then on, I decided I have to learn to play guitar. Kuya Mark became my very first and last mentor.

Even after introducing me to Metallica’s Enter Sandman for the first time, I didn’t get serious in practicing and learning advanced guitar. To me, chugging power chords and noodling pentatonic scales (Hammett-style) across the fretboard is all there is. During high school, when I ironically was the drummer of our band, it became apparent that I had to compose songs, and create the guitar solos for each song. That’s when I decided to take my learning to another level – that is, learning the scales and modes. There’s no point in doing solos if they are out of tune. I learned the scales and a little bit of theory. I was proud that somehow I can already improvise. But to an experienced musician, that wasn’t even level 1.

During my 3rd year in college, Kuya Mark striked again and introduced me to Dream Theater. After hearing Images and Words, I was like stunned. I heard sounds that I never heard before. I never imagined anyone could combine technicality, melody, speed and musicality at the same time. For me. Dream Theater took these metal bands to school. From then on, John Petrucci became one of my biggest influences in playing guitar. I decided that in order for me to play his stuff, I needed a deeper knowledge of music and time to practice and improve on skills unknown to me during that time. But it was college, and I don’t even have a guitar (The only time that I can honestly say that I have my own guitar was when I got my 5th paycheck when I was already working. All the guitars that I used from elementary to college were all borrowed.) My parents would rather spend money on my school fees and expenses rather than buy me a guitar. So I told myself, after college, I’ll be the next John Petrucci.

After college, I bought my guitar and started to my self-education in music and theory. Along with Dream Theater, I included Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, Symphony X, and Shawn Lane to name a few, on my list of influences. I studied music theory, notation, advanced scales and chordal harmonies. I took time to learn jazz, fusion and classical music. I even studied pieces from Bach, Paganini, Beethoven and the like, and apply such in guitar. The best thing that I learned from this period is how to improvise – how to do a solo given a certain set of chord progressions. This has a lasting effect on my life being a musician. I am able to apply this skill when I compose songs, and even now that I play for a church band, I am able to imprint my mark on each solo in each song.

Time came when I thought I sounded like John Petrucci, and I realized that after all that I have learned, I have to sound like me, like Ryan, and not him. I have to have my own voice, my own signature. When I play guitar or do a solo, I’d like to people to say “Hey, that’s Ryan playing!” instead of “Hey Ryan, nice one man, you sound like John Petrucci”. I became the anti-thesis of what I aspired years ago.

It was a realization and a change of view for me. I had to mold all my knowledge and skills into one voice – a voice that differentiates me from others. A voice of my own.

I am thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful gift- the gift of music. It made me a better person. Now, I have dedicated my music to inspire others, to let them know life, and to let them know Him – all for His glory.

Music and I

Sometimes I forget to thank God in giving me one of the most priceless gifts in life and that is – music. Not everyone may know this but I may have barely survived high school and college life without music. It is in music that I channeled all my positive and negative emotions. It is where I learned to discipline me, to work out and improve, to practice what I know, to be creative, to self-improve, to mingle with other people, and to look at the brighter side of life. It is also an outlet for me to vent anger, sadness, pride, jealousy and other bad thoughts, instead of releasing such on people. Either I listen or study music because I want to learn it or just to be inspired, music gave me a reason to become who am I.

Even until now, music still permeates most of my life. I still listen to old songs, the ones that inspire me, that ones that commune with my emotions, and very importantly, the ones that move me closer to God.

Eat Me!!!

Last night what’s eating my net connection, and it was really EATEN literally. I found out that the LAN cable has been chewed and eaten by none other than rats.

I hope I can get the cable fixed tonight so I can already play Dekaron.

Moments

I am upset because I didn’t play Dekaron last night. Something’s wrong with the router. I tried my best to fix the cable, the LAN card, the router and what-not, and still the problem persisted. I just hope I can finally fix it when I come home today after work, or at least know what seems to be the problem.

Instead of playing, I started to edit some clips that I’ll be using in the documentary. It seems to be time-consuming since it requires you to watch the whole of each clip from start to finish. If you won’t do this, you won’t know what part to put on what section of the documentary. There are “moments” in each video that you just have to capture. Video editing, I learned, is not that simple. But I know we can do it. It will just have to take time.

Cut It Out!!!

I am thinking of a new hairstyle. I have been using the same one for the last 20 years, and I think it’s time to find a new haircut.

My current haircut is something they call as “barber’s cut, and I always have my hair all brushed up with gel. I am thinking of an “anime” type of hairstyle hahahaha. Let’s just see what’s good for me.

Catherine

I often remember a girl named Catherine. During my high school days, I’ve always longed for the moment when I can say my true feelings for her. But I was the nerdy type, and she probably wouldn’t mingle with me, let alone giving me a chance to share an intimate moment with me. So I stayed from a distance, keeping this secret love with me until the end. I always freeze when she’s in front of me – she’s the only girl who can do that. No one else.

I sent her letters and cards to let her know what I feel during those times. She did wrote back actually, and in that one letter she told me that I have to grow and mature. She was right. I was still a “kid” that time, playful, and maybe not really ready for a relationship. I had to grow. At the prom, I had the guts to dance with her, and told her that I will grow just as she wanted.

She just sent me a message last week in Friendster. I told her that I regret not being able to see her during my vacation last December. She told me I should have. I’m sure I’ll freeze again when I see her. She is in a relationship right now and it’s just sad that it is too late for me now.

She will always have a special place in my heart.

Breaking the Ice

It was rather a very busy and interesting weekend for me. Actually it was Friday the 13th, but everything just went fine yesterday. Joel and I decided to talk to some people (mostly girls lolz), and ask them if we can feature an interview with them in a documentary that we’re planning to do. Personally, I really liked the idea of being to talk to girls without any “shyness” whatsoever. All my life, I am the typical “shy” guy. Yesterday was different. I was happy, being able to see fresh faces, talk to people, converse normally and handle discussions. It was really an ice breaker for me. Maybe I really should be going out more often and meet new faces.


This will be quite interesting.

That Silver Lining

It’s a new day for me. Funny cause it has been like forever, but I still feel like I’m waking up to a brand new day. I’ve finally accepted small truths in life now, and I am sure I’ll be over them. I'll find more truths ahead, and I'll learn to accept them, each truth at a time. Small steps, I always remind myself….small steps, but I’ll get there.

The rain has to end.

Learning to Live part 2

Sometimes :

...you have to accept defeat, and realize that pain is part of life.
...you have to learn to bear your own cross and walk on the beaten path.
...you have to understand that you cannot have ALL that you desire the most.
...to learn that things don't often go the way you want them to.
...you have to know when to stop and to kneel when you can't go on any longer.
...then you have to learn to stand up and pick up the pieces again.
...and learn to breath when you're tired...
...you have to understand that life is not always that fair.
...you have to know when to stop blaming yourself...
...to stop pretending that all things stay the same...
...and know that the only constant thing in this world is change...
...you have to draw the strength and the will from what is left with you...
...and learn your from your misdeeds and faults..
...while you find courage as you face each day...
...you have to realize that love is all about letting go...
...and that somehow, behind all the pain, you have to be happy for others...

...yes..I need to let go...

I'll Keep BZ

I need a project now to keep me busy. I’m not doing hardcore grinding in Dekaron now, and if by any chance, I’ll be leaving, I’d rather do a special project or two before I decide to leave – a sort of a remembrance for my friends here and the good people that helped me in one or another.

I am planning to do a documentary on the life here where I stay. I plan to make the docu revolve around myself, my friends and good people here in Bahrain. I’ll be doing this docu with Joel, my room mate. We plan to do crazy things, especially on the storyboard. The only thing that we don’t have right now is….a video cam. Well..that sux.

My second project is about the recording the church’s first Christian song album. I admit I have little experience in doing formal recording and mixing but I believe with all the help we can get from our members, we can do it.

I hope to start these things this week. I certainly need to get busy with things.

The Last Straw

You can’t understand life really. How I wish I could easily know its intentions.

I just called my ex just now. I told her that her sister told me that she wanted to talk to me. I asked her if she has anything to tell me. I wanted to hear her side. Instead, she told me she has nothing to say to me…nothing at all.

I am a stubborn bull. I was the one who was hurt, still I was the one who reached out, and got nothing in the end. I expected a little bit of emotion, of sentimentality, even just a little “sorry”, but there was none. All I’ve said have fallen to deaf ears.

Maybe that was the last straw.
Maybe I need to carry on from here.

Here I Go Again

I was able to talk to my ex yesterday on the phone. I felt a sense of melancholy listening to her voice again. She told me that she parted ways with her bf. It didn’t last long.

Our talk was less formal, maybe because I didn’t want to sound like I am serious. But then again, talking with your ex has always been serious. She explained to me that it wasn’t her who sent the SMS message that ended our relationship. It was her ex-bf. I was wondering why she didn’t reply herself when they’re not with each other, so I may not have decided to leave in the first place. It was, in a sense, a matter of miscommunication.

So here I go again, wondering if I can give it another chance. I am such a stubborn man.

Now I am torn between two choices : I leave my job here, risk all to uncertainty, go back and take another chance with her (after all that has happened), or I stay here, be secured, and wait for another love.

Because deep in my heart, I still love her.

A Thing About the So-Called "Deep" Musician

Sometimes I get annoyed (and pissed) if a musician (or someone he/she claims to be) comes along and criticizes one’s music, pointing out that it shouldn’t be like that, that it should be like this and that, that something isn’t really necessary, or blabber about someone better than that.

Personally, I think such persons are not musicians at all. Music has so many forms – so many genres, that one skill or fundamental in one form might or might not be applicable to another. Jazz doesn’t sound like rock. You might do a jazz lick in a metal song and it probably it wouldn’t sound metal. My point is, everything has its place in music, so don’t criticize like there’s too much solos in a metal song because metal songs ARE SUPPOSED TO BE METAL SONGS.

Another thing : when you do expressions while playing, that’s because you feel the music. Standing there stolid and looking like an electric post while the music being played is bouncy may not be the best to do, but at least feel the music that you’re playing. The word is EXPRESSION – it is the way you express yourself through the music that you play – whether it be through clothes you wear, the expressions you make or how you play your instrument. I mean classical players don’t need to dress like rock musicians because their genres are not the same. A musician’s skill is a gift from God so why would you criticize others?

Be true to yourself and before you criticize music. Examine yourself. Are you being true to your music or are you just doing it because you think you know so much or you’re so good in your music that you look down on others in doing their own? IF you are really a person from God, how could you look down on others and criticize them for what God has given them? Is it pride? Is it because of ego? Is it because you want people to look at you as someone who is so good in music? Do you want them to think that you’re so meticulously in music and ingrain in their minds that you are superior to others? I think you’re not being a musician at all.

Look at yourself first before pointing your finger to others. If you don’t like a song, don’t FUCKING listen to it.

Give Me a Break

Once I had an idea : wouldn’t it be nice if I’d be whisked to some place where that I long for. A place that I can truly say “home”, way back in the Philippines.

Anyway, I am just being homesick, and the rigors of work have finally caught up with me. I still have cough. I don’t know but this seems to me that I am already burned out. I’d like to take a break. It will be a long while before I’ll get one, and I hope that the next break I’ll get, it won’t be my heart that would break.

Sickly Still

I still have cough today, and I don’t feel well. I think I have this flu in me that don’t want to come out of me. I hope I’ll be well.

There is nothing much today actually. I just went to work even though I feel really sick and weak. I enjoyed last night’s presentation in the church. I felt hungry all day. I hope I can grab some food when I get home today.

Blog Filler

I have a bad cough today and it is all about the weather. It still pretty cold here, early morning showers then cold breezes during the evenings. I had a slight fever last night and my joints hurt the most.

My AK is stuck at 111. Damn.

What I Need

There are things in life that we can never understand. We want things to happen the way we want them to, but maybe because of some divine understanding that we may never comprehend, things just don’t go the way we want them to.

I have loved a lady with all my heart since I fell in love with her. To prepare for our future, I left her with a promise that I will be back to return to her and finally be with her. But people change and so is their character. There are people that you just can’t understand – that you can’t satisfy. Maybe I just loved the wrong person.

My ex wishes me to talk to her, after all that she’s done – after all that has happened, and though she has hurt me, part of me tells me that I should give ANOTHER chance. But another part of me says that I cannot give anymore – that I cannot trust her now. She was able to hurt me then, and she can do it again. I want to finally say to myself that it was a lost cause, and that were destined to follow separate paths. She is destined for someone else, and I too am destined for someone who deserves my love. I have to thank her for being part of my life and that she showed me many things. I have learned so much from her.

What I need right now is to totally forget about the past and look forward for what’s ahead of me. I cannot dwell within the past anymore.

I need to heal.
I need to live again.