Sonata

When I went to my last vacation, aside from the things that I had to take care of, I am supposed to meet this old friend of mine. Her name is Jheng and she worked in Bahrain a year ago or so. She was, and still is, a special friend. If you can name something such as a “Platonic friendship”, that’s what we had.

I never mentioned to anyone (and probably never will) the details of how deep the relationship was, but both of us knew that we were both there for each other when things let us down – it was a perfect twist of friendship…and though someday it may appear to anyone that we could have crossed that thin line between love and friendship, both of us are glad that we didn’t dare to. Things were so complicated back then, as they are still now.

I was supposed to meet her any time during my vacation. I even called her and set a date for meeting. I believe she was really looking forward to it. Chats and SMS messages were the only means of communication we had before and if worse comes to worst , it’ll be another year before we meet again. She even asked for a day-off as I was told. But…I didn’t go. I didn’t meet her. In short, I broke my promise.

Why? Because in my heart that time, I still love my ex, and I don’t wanna hurt other people. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to stand in front of Jheng and pretend that I am someone that I am not. I don’t want to say things that I never meant to say. Deep in my heart, something told me that I should not go…that I don’t want to hurt another again.
And so, I did that. I could have called her to say that I don’t wanna go, but there I go. Never was an email, never was a call, never was a message whatsoever – total silence. I left her hoping…expecting…hurting, and I feel that I did hurt her more…but I did what I have to do – I’d rather blame myself in hurting her, than to lie to her right in her face. It has been my motto : better to accept the blame than to see people get hurt.

When I came back, I talked to her through chat, and explained to her my very reasons. I knew she was hurting, and I knew that somehow, if I can never make it up to her, I have to ask for her forgiveness. She told me she is tired and she gave up of it – but my surprise, she forgave me and understood what I was going through. As of now, we’re still good friends and we still keep in touch. Only time can tell where will the journey end.

I pray and hope all the best for her and for her career. May she find the one who can give her all the love she needs and who will take care of her and give her the attention she deserves.