Rainy Days and Sundays Part 2

It is raining today. The skies are dark. Somehow I knew the day will be a little different.

I had a chat with my ex’s sister today, and it wasn’t good. Not good at all.

She asked me if her sister and I can talk.

Honestly, I didn’t expect that. She told me that if I am willing to talk to her sister and if I’d probably give it another chance – the same chance that I was asking from my ex before I left last December – that same chance that I was deprived of.

I don’t know what to believe in or what to think right now. I don’t know if I can give more. I don’t know if it is really worthy to leave my job and career for the sake of finally saving my relationship: an act that was supposed to be finished and done and left alone.

I confess, my heart still beats for her, but I don’t know if I can take that risk, after what has happened. I am lost.

I'm Falling in Love Again

I haven’t been practicing guitar for almost four months now. The only time that I get to hold a guitar is during church band rehearsals. I haven’t played Becky (my guitar’s nickname) for so long and I think I have forgotten the feel of it in my fingers. The new guitar bought by the church ( I was the one who actually recommended and chose the thing) is really very nice. It’s a Washburn Idol series with Sunburst color, Seymour Duncan pickups (whow) and Grover tuning system. We got a very fair price for it and if I had enough money enough now, I’d buy that guitar. It is really a nice guitar. It’s the first time that I like a non-RG Ibanez body guitar. The warm tone is also really wonderful. I confess – I fell in love with the guitar. I’m falling for it.

Leslie Anne

I remember a cute girl when I was in high school. She was like two years younger than me. I remember her as someone who is attractive – cute, had a very sweet smile, fine complexion – still much like a little girl. Rumor has it that she was a lesbian but I never went on thinking of her that way. To me, she was one of those few crushes that I had.

When I started working as a college instructor, I discovered that she was studying where I was teaching, taking the course in a college were I am a faculty member. I did some research and found out interesting things about her – playgirl, always with boys instead of girls, always partying, happy go lucky, doesn’t care about the world, had many relationships and the list goes on. Somehow, she was still that girl that I saw during high school, thought more “playful”.

To my surprise, she became one of my students in not one but three subjects. Of course she already knows me since I was one of the popular guys when we were in high school. I suddenly developed an excitement to teach those three subjects because that’s the only time that I can stare at her without being obvious. Outside class, it’s the usual routine. We smile at each other when we see each other around corners, the school corridor and the like. It was quite obvious because I don’t really warm up or smile to my other students. I was the snob type, but not to her. She saw this and I bet she realized that I was attracted to her. Truly, I was. I love her when she smiles at me – that innocent smile that always took my stress away from me. I love seeing her in tight jeans, and although she’s quite small with a gorgeous body, she was always looking sexy.

Time went by and I observed that she was failing her grades. I talked to her, encouraging her to study hard. I even gave her special projects for her to cope. I did everything within my limits as an instructor to let her pass, not because I liked her, but because I wanted to help her as much as I wanted to help my other students. In the end, I can’t justify giving her grades that she won’t deserve. I failed her – but she understood me. I know that she was having some personal problems with her boy friend and other things. As a teacher, I never crossed that limit and invade her life. I stayed afar, wishing that she may soon find solace and find her resolve.

For me, it was like a mere infatuation – an attraction. I quickly forgot about her when someone came into my life. These past weeks, I suddenly remembered her, maybe because of my loneliness that I try to think about all the good things (and girls  ) that were part of my life. I can’t seem to find here among my students’ and friends’ Friendster accounts. I wish to see her. I wish to know how she is, and though I may forever be just a figment in her memory, I look forward to the day that I may see her sweet smile again.

Reality 101

Summer has finally come, and though a cold breeze still envelops each evening sky, there’s no doubt the sun will be trashing out all its fury every next day. The occasional cold is brought by sandstorms actually, so instead of going out, I have to stay inside to get free from dust.

Last night Joel and I had this crazy discussion about a girl that he liked. He told me he always sees her around when he goes out buying in the grocery store. He actually planned to know her. However, he almost cried to his dismay on what he saw last night. He was in this pharmacy to buy something for his cough. He saw the girl but much to his surprise, she was buying some pregnancy test kit, the whole box of it. To make things worse, she had to go out and get some money from her boyfriend who is waiting in the car. The guy was definitely not Filipino. Joel’s heart just broke.

The girl could have opted for a Filipino guy, Joel thought. He may even understand it. But the mere idea that the girl is with that kind of guy gives us the impression that she’s just doing it for the sake of money – and that she may be in a very difficult situation financially, but these kinds of guys are not the ones who can take her seriously especially with her nationality. I am not being racist here, but these guys’ reputation precedes them well. Joel even joked that he is willing to be the father to the girl’s child.

We just came to realize that truths in life can get so difficult to accept, even for those who hope for something better.

Of Ghosts and Routines

Mornings are lifeless routines for me. I wake up, realize that its just another ordinary morning, get up, take a bath, brush my teeth, change clothes, listen to songs while waiting for our driver to come, come to the office, make coffee then work my ass off until 4 PM. Nothing special it seems.

One of my friends had this crazy idea of hooking me up with someone. I joked for a while, telling him that I might hurt the girl instead since I am so focused on work and Dekaron that I may not give the girl the attention and love that she deserves.

But in reality, I am afraid to love again, and I confess that I may really hurt the girl from my busy “routine” life right now, a big part of me fears that I may fail once more – that I fear of being hurt again. Memories of a past still haunt me in my loneliness. These ghosts “whisper” in ears.

Though it may appear that what I really need in fact is a new love in order to “exorcize” these ghosts, I resent the idea. I don’t want to use someone to cover what still torments me, and I don’t want to hurt anyone any more than I hurt myself.

For now, I have a wish

If there’s one thing in my life that I could wish at present, maybe that would be to tour the world and see places. I’d like to see Spain, Italy, New Zealand, maybe Hawaii or Japan.

I would like to see different places – places close to Nature – mountains, trees, animals, landscapes and much more. I’d like to take a break from life. I know that God has plans for me, and if by any chance my wish would come true, it would be by His will, not mine.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Just came to work this morning. The weekend went nice. Came to church, then we helped Chichan in practicing a youth presentation, then went out together with Ivan, Joel and Mike for an early-dinner pizza treat. Later, we watched two films.

The second film struck me the most. Titled “Forgetting Sarah Marshalls”, the film is about a guy who was dumped by her girlfriend for someone else, then had to go through a lot to try to forget the girl until he finds someone who can truly love him. I learned many things from the movie, and I realized that if you don’t really deserve a relationship, you have to stop and let go…..cough cough cough…

All I can say is : the film was an eye-opener.

R E L A X

Nothing much today...work is only until 1 pm. I’ll head home and maybe cook lunch, play Dekaron and just relax..

I had great time last night in the band rehearsal though I was late because I had to accompany my friend Ivan and his girlfriend Chichan who had sprained her ankle. I came to work today without having breakfast as usual. I know I need to eat breakfast – I’ll try my best to regularly have breakfast starting next month.

I’m looking forward in spending the weekend right by just relaxing and keeping it cool. I really need it because the past week has been so hectic.

Learning to Live

I missed writing on my blog yesterday because of work. I think my karma came to me and all of a sudden I was buried with work. As of this writing I am still loaded with work but I can resist writing something here.

Nothing much happened yesterday. Same old story – Dekaron lagged so I was barely able to play, watched TV and so on. Joel and I had this little discussion about heartaches and regrets and what-not the night before. It was a funny discussion, especially when both of us tend to make hypocritical and sentimental jokes about our experiences with ladies. Somehow, I came up to one conclusion – one has to flow and tag along with Life, not against it. I realized that the world is never a place for angels – life is harsh, hard, full of pain and heartaches – and the only way you can cope with it is to stand up, accept life and things for what they are, and go with the flow. You have to be a log in a river – you stop and you won’t go nowhere; you go against the flow and all you get is a lot of beating from the waters, which will make you weaker each moment; but when you go with the flow, you definitely will go somewhere without trashing against the drafts.

I have to learn to accept many truths about life in the real world. I have to learn to let go of things. For now, all I can say is...I am only just beginning to learn how to live.

My Cross to Bear

There came a point in my life that I wished I could remove myself of some memories. I had this wishful thinking that memories are stored in every strand of hair, and I can get rid of them just by shaving it all off. But it is not quite that simple.

The hard truth is that one has to live with these memories, and though such memories are already part of the past, the harder you try to cover them, there are things that just won’t die. These memories touch me more often than not, maybe because of the pain that still lingers on inside me. Every night as I close my eyes, memories torment me like demons. Is it because of me still unable to forgive myself for everything that has happened? Or is it because I am still struggling to hold on to a lost cause…to a lost dream. It’s so easy to say that I will get this over with but it’s easier said than done.

I’ve come to realize that I may have to bear this cross for a long time…a long time, and I hope that what awaits at the end can finally wash away all the pain.

Sonata

When I went to my last vacation, aside from the things that I had to take care of, I am supposed to meet this old friend of mine. Her name is Jheng and she worked in Bahrain a year ago or so. She was, and still is, a special friend. If you can name something such as a “Platonic friendship”, that’s what we had.

I never mentioned to anyone (and probably never will) the details of how deep the relationship was, but both of us knew that we were both there for each other when things let us down – it was a perfect twist of friendship…and though someday it may appear to anyone that we could have crossed that thin line between love and friendship, both of us are glad that we didn’t dare to. Things were so complicated back then, as they are still now.

I was supposed to meet her any time during my vacation. I even called her and set a date for meeting. I believe she was really looking forward to it. Chats and SMS messages were the only means of communication we had before and if worse comes to worst , it’ll be another year before we meet again. She even asked for a day-off as I was told. But…I didn’t go. I didn’t meet her. In short, I broke my promise.

Why? Because in my heart that time, I still love my ex, and I don’t wanna hurt other people. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to stand in front of Jheng and pretend that I am someone that I am not. I don’t want to say things that I never meant to say. Deep in my heart, something told me that I should not go…that I don’t want to hurt another again.
And so, I did that. I could have called her to say that I don’t wanna go, but there I go. Never was an email, never was a call, never was a message whatsoever – total silence. I left her hoping…expecting…hurting, and I feel that I did hurt her more…but I did what I have to do – I’d rather blame myself in hurting her, than to lie to her right in her face. It has been my motto : better to accept the blame than to see people get hurt.

When I came back, I talked to her through chat, and explained to her my very reasons. I knew she was hurting, and I knew that somehow, if I can never make it up to her, I have to ask for her forgiveness. She told me she is tired and she gave up of it – but my surprise, she forgave me and understood what I was going through. As of now, we’re still good friends and we still keep in touch. Only time can tell where will the journey end.

I pray and hope all the best for her and for her career. May she find the one who can give her all the love she needs and who will take care of her and give her the attention she deserves.

Annoying TV Program

It was an uneventful Valentine’s day as expected. I went home, played Dekaron and had leveled my AK to 60% and it felt fine. No stresses to level that fast.

The most annoying thing in the world is to watch a love story-movie named “Moments of Love” during the night. Joel and I had these outrageous (and often sarcastic) reactions while watching the movie. It was a funny and equally frustrating activity watching a love story during Valentine’s Day when you’re single or broken-hearted. Really annoying.

Today, the sky during the morning was quite dim. I don’t know…maybe I’ll just play for an hour or so later then I’ll head to church to do the rehearsal in Praisehearted.

Murmurs of the Heart on Valentine’s Day

It is my first Valentine’s Day without a special someone, and the loneliness kills me. I remember that even though I was away with my ex-gf from my last relationship, I was happy back then, knowing that we were together in spirit and in love from a great distance.

I miss those days, and I miss her still, and no matter how hard I try, her memory lives in me. I know I will get over this for sure and it won’t be that easy. I know that she is happy now with someone, and I hope and pray that she has finally found the love that I wasn’t able to give her through all my shortcomings and faults.

I love her still, and she will forever have a special place in my heart as long as I live. Forever love.

What Can I say?

Nothing much today. I got pictures from my sister. I'll be going to the immigration seminar on Friday.

I hope I can join the DF event later. My net still lags but I am still hopeful.
I am hungry. I need to eat ASAP!

Failed to Impress the Gods

I tried upgrading my Dekaron shield last night to +7 and roughly spent around 10m in total - and it failed. But it is part of the game, and somehow I didn't take it too hard. Maybe the failure that I just had back home taught me how to embrace failures and realities in life. So I have to move on, and so is my gaming.

I was so busy today. I had to make a rate card for this Filipino magazine and I have to impress my boss with it. Keeping myself busy at work is a therapy for me, especially because memories of the past still cling on me from time to time.

I hope and pray that I may soon get this through.

Knee-Deep

I had a very busy day at work, and I like it. Better than doing nothing. I look forward in leveling up today.

Catherine, my childhood crush, just accepted my friendship request.Oh no!

:)

Sara

I had this little, itsy-tweeny tiny crush on one of my former colleagues at work. Her name is Sara and she works in a diferent company now. I do believe she is really attractive and I confess that her eyes and smiles strike me the most when I see her. But I never dared to tell her about this.

I just added her on my Facebook today though I never expected that she would approve it. She's in a different league, having a different nationality and that means a different lifestyle. I am just happy to have met her and had the experience of working with her. I know I should have taken the chance of knowing her better, to be a little closer, but because of what I said about us being of different descent, it's just wishful thinking.

I hope for the best in her career and family.I hope to see her soon too, somewhere, somehow.

Dinakdakkan Blues

I had a great night. Our band rehearsal was better compared to last week. I really enjoyed playing- all for His glory. Also, in Deka, we tried to do DP 90 with 3 first-timers from my guild and it failed since the seg got dc. But anyway, it was fun. We also had a guild PK and I was gangbanged lols.

I’m not expecting too much today at work unless I get the Macbook’s AC adaptor. I’ve got a lot of work in my hand actually but that’s beside the point. I’m just going to let the day pass and do any work that is given to me. I fixed my Facebook account. It won’t do me any good I think but Friendster’s getting old, and I don’t have a Friendster account in the first place.

I miss eating dinakdakkan.

Aw, No Way!

I recently sent a Friendster invitation to my ex Cathy, and she approved. She even replied and posted some new pictures of hers and her friends. She left a message and I responded of course. So..?

I never thought she would reply, let alone approving my friend request.

X will always be an X, the same way as A will always be an A, and so with every letter in the English alphabet.

Rainy Days and Sundays

Last night was really annoying. First, my net connection was spiking. My Deka screen is freezing. Next, I spent so much dil in doing DP runs and I didn’t get any magical stones because the party always failed. I hate my net connection.

It is cloudy today, and it rained when I was on my way to work. Somehow it brings a sense of sentimentality – a feeling of being withdrawn, a feeling of thoughtfulness and bit of sadness in the air when the heavens open its floodgates. I always feel this when it rains. Too bad I can’t hear the raindrops. I love listening to the gentle pouring of the rain the roof.

I admit – I am a “weatherman”.

It is a Great Day to Play

Yahhhoooo!!! Got my PC last night! I quickly installed Dekaron and logged in. I felt really relieved to see my avatar again. Though my net sucks, it didn’t matter. I really wanted to play so there I went.

I am so thankful and grateful that Ivan, Chichan and Joel were there to help me get my PC. Today I’ll get a free PC desk from Larj (such a wonderful guy). Dennis also, one of my guildmates, who helped find a new and good PC – a PC which is really great and I know I will really enjoy playing Dekaron with it.

Somehow, with what I am going through currently, I am still thankful to God that I have friends like them willing to help me – whom I can depend on, and I realize that God will always be there to guide and help me get this through. I thank God for all the blessings that I have right now.

A Long Weekend

It's Thursday and work is until 1 pm. I'm supposed to be looking forward for the weekend if only I have a PC. I sure hope I can get my hands on one today or tomorrow.

No plans yet for the rest of the day. More walks maybe, trying to shake emotions, see scenery. Oh yeah, I'll be going to Chili's early this evening with my guildmates in MU and Dekaron. I could almost smell that steak. :)

Chicken Broasted and What-Not

I had my favorite chicken broasted and shawarma last night. I didn’t mind my diet, I just wanted to eat. Somehow, these kinds of food are Bahrain’s mark on me, and it won’t be easy to remove myself of it.

Early in the evening I tried to play my electric guitar. It’s been like 2 months since I played and it felt different. My fingers aren’t that flexible like before. Obviously, either I need to practice and do warm ups again or just let my fingers stay that way. Anyway, I’m not in the shred stuff anymore. I’d rather go more melodic now – the idea of “less is more” thing.

I hope I can get my PC as soon as possible. I really need to play and Deka and get back to my game. I really need an outlet – something that can deviate my attention as I move on. I hope something goes well.

Shards from a Past

I woke up this morning and it felt the way I usually wake up 7 or 8 years back.I had a dream about my first GF last night - my very first love. Her name is Cathy.

We were in a classroom and people are teasing us with each other. In the dream I felt like the first day I saw her in college, and how I fell in love with her.

Somehow it brought back a smile to me; a smile that has been so elusive since I got from my vacation - a smile that, I can truly say, came from my heart.

She's in Singapore now and living off her career. The dream brought back many sweet memories of a young love lost in time that I will always cherish as long as I live, and with her I am so thankful that once in my life, someone like her gave me a chance to share that love.I wonder how would she react if I'd tell her this.

Though she's far, she literally brought a smile to my face.

Addicted to the Rush

I miss my Azure Knight (AK) in Dekaron, and until now I don't have a PC yet to play the game. I need to play ASAP! I am having convulsions in trying to control myself.

I need to see my wings again...(sigh)...