The Problem of Evil - Rebuttal

A world containing creatures who are significantly free (and freely perform more good than evil actions) is more valuable, all else being equal, than a world containing no free creatures at all. Now God can create free creatures, but He can't cause or determine them to do only what is right. For if He does so, then they aren't significantly free after all; they do not do what is right freely. To create creatures
capable of moral good, therefore, He must create creatures capable of moral evil; and He can't give these creatures the freedom to perform evil and at the same time prevent them from doing so. As it turned out, sadly enough, some of the free creatures God created went wrong in the exercise of their freedom; this is the source of moral evil.
The fact that free creatures sometimes go wrong, however, counts neither against God's omnipotence nor against His goodness; for He could have forestalled the occurrence of moral evil only by removing the possibility of moral good.

Worlds Apart

At times, I find myself immersed in some distant memories of her. Right there where she stood smiling at me while I played the guitar. It seems to me that more than a decade has passed while our world's drifted apart. Yes. Our worlds drifted apart.

But I could have never imagined the day when our seemingly endless paths would cross again. And as I ponder upon the possibilities of bridging the gap between our worlds, the complexities of the world beckoned like a bright candle amidst the darkness of the night. For this soul of mine might have grown too tired, and this gentle heart might have grown too weary of the fights. Let the winds of fate direct me to where these troubles are pacified, and let me lie awake, untainted in solitude.

Let It Rain

If you'll ever ask me about ever stepping back into the rain again, I bet my answer would be the same. What I only have right now is a cold sense of things, and sentimentality has eluded me ever since. Love is another story.

I don't wanna be alone under the rain, unless you come join me and lets enjoy every raindrop that falls from the heavens, never caring about anything around us.

Demon

"I have been there for you since the beginning, but I have never been with you from the very start. You know, though, that I've always been a part of you. I am a part of you, from the marrow to the tips of your fingers. I have remained imprisoned within the deepest recesses of your soul, and only my distant whispers enchant you from time to time. You have silenced my every call and hindered me to take control of every act you made. You have shunned me into the shadows and kept me leashed, while you fervently followed the Rule. In the darkest of your days I was there, giving my hand but your very light resisted.

I am waiting for you to take a chance. Release me and I promise you that I will trouble you no more. Give me the chance to give you your darkness - to do the things that you aspired; your very temptations. Let me be the fire that will fuel your darkest desires and malevolent obsessions which you have wanted to do for so long. For once in your life, release this darkness that you have within you,and who knows, light may finally fill this empty space. But until then, I will remain. Its just a matter of time."

Astral Projection

I stood there, watching the waves wash away the shore. For a moment, a slight breeze cradled my senses and brought them into a place in time. I could still hear the laughs of those hearts who were blessed by such a sight. There I saw two people take their vows of love in defiance of time. There I saw clouds encircle them, spreading the warmth of the summer sun, assuring them of an unshaken strength through the coming years. There I saw them, with all the promises of an unending dedication, devotion, commitment and love for one another. There I saw them. Then everything stopped - a fragment of a second seemingly stretched to eternity, as I fall back into a vertigo of unredeemed images that pulls me back against my volition.

Unending.

The Real Joker

Life is unpredictable most of the time, and things usually come unexpected. You are left then to decide on what will be your next move, whether to embrace or resist. These past days, I have seen a couple of unexpected things-things that should have had never come. And though I may go against these with such futility, the inevitability of their manifestations are, to me, as bright as the noonday sun. I find myself amused in disbelief. If this happened way back then, it would been a different story.

Life really has quite a sense of humor.

An Ode To Yesterday

Once you've been my only memory of time
A time when everything was almost mine
To you I gave the very essence of my sacrifice
...In you, I was bounded and bounded I remained

Alas, the unending cries of change came
and I no longer breathed to even cry for your name
For this soul has gathered the fullness of its strength
...From you, I moved on and moving I remained

Am I the same as the seasons that come?
Am I your solace from the place you are from?
For you to haunt and fill with your emptiness
...Against you, I fought and fighting I remained

For you are only a figment of a past
From which I broke free, and free I am at last
Tomorrow and today I will cherish from now
...For you have passed, never to remain.

Refuse, Resist

I usually catch her glimpses from time to time, and I wonder what might the things behind those glances. I, for one, though, will be the first to resist her charm, not because of me not liking her, but because of what I have become and what I am right now - someone who is not yet ready to take any commitments for now. If I would force myself to such, the only thing that I would be able to do is to hurt her.

At present, I'm happy about the way things turned out for her, finding both a love and an inspiration.

Dimsum

There was really something about her when we had a chat. She asked me about my YM status. She asked me about some interesting things. She was more casual than normal. The most interesting point in our discussion was when she told me that she never had anyone else after we broke up roughly ten years ago. Now that was something. The love we had was a young love - she was my first, and I was hers too. We were young, not fully aware of the implications that our relationship had. Whether we were right or wrong, it doesn't matter during that time. We both loved each other. It was me and her against the world, and it felt good to have fought for it and held on until we have to give up. Her smiles are my earliest memories of love and being loved.

As I look back, I feel deeply honored and privileged to have shared a love like hers. I really don't know what awaits for the both us along the way : will we cross paths again or we're meant for separate ways. I'm just delighted to hear from her again.

Drifters

I guess this was the way it was meant to be for us since the beginning, and even in that short span of time, we shared something that we could almost say "eternal". As sure as the tide washes away the shore, are the things that change inevitably. In time, our hearts will let us know where we were right and where we wrong , and why should be part ways and leave a love that we grew to care and treasure.

But for now, we are just islands, slowly drifted apart, separated by the ever-changing waters of the seasons. In time, our hearts will teach us where to go.

Wishful Thinking

She reminded me of myself more than a decade ago. Yeah, ten years have gone by. Ten years..and I am sure it will still be the same scenario as before - I'll be frozen stiff in front of her.

I called her on her birthday, exchanged a few words. All but a few words to someone that I used to admire most. And that admiration extends even until now.

I thought she was getting married soon until she said she won't be for the time being. As always, things are complicated, and I don't want to complicate things more. I just wished I was able to tell her things that I wanted her to know ten years ago. I've grown stronger for the last ten years but I really don't know if I even have the strength to tell her the words I wanted her to hear.

I am just glad that we're good friends now, even at this very distance. I hope the best for her for the coming years.

Before the Plunge

As I await for the summon, I contemplate on life and the battles that we need to face. Somehow, deep inside me I know at some point during the coming fight, all the odds are against me - I know I will surely lose. For once I realize that I have to try and learn from this fight, so I may learn my weaknesses and my limits. Somehow, I have to lose this fight so I can win other battles. It is not in the defeats that we crumble, but it is in such defeats that we learn to stand-up and grow stronger. And if either by divine intervention or by chance I may win the day, I stand proud and honored, that for once in my life, I've faced each day with a war cry - It is not mine, but only His will be done. This is my resolve.

LOLZZZZZ!!!!

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine.Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

In Silence

If there are things still left unspoken, what would those words be? If there are thoughts still left unheard, what would those be?

There was a strange feeling when I pushed the SEND button. I thought that maybe it wouldn't hurt to send a greeting on a special day. Though every part of me relentlessly urged me not to push the button, I still did. What's left of my humanity told me to do so. I never expected a hint-of-a-promise-of a reply..until my phone sounded.

I guess a reply was enough, then a second came, and I thought it was too much. Silence was my reply, even until now. So many times in my life that I gave in to what my heart desired, until that very moment that I hesitated to reply.

Fact is, if there are words left unspoken until now, I utter them...in silence.

IronMan

At some point in time, you stop and realize how time went so fast. I could never imagined how things went and have gone for the last five years of my life. Many things changed while others did not. When I look at it, it is so overwhelming that it was just years ago that I decided to make a great sacrifice, never thinking that such would all be in vain in the end, or that for some reason that I still can't explain, that sacrifice was meant for something else.

I have seen many ironies in my life, and these ironies taught me how to understand things, be patient and be forgiving. I believe I am bound to witness such ironies, and this, in turn, makes the very essence of things, ironic.

Embodiment of Chaos

There was something in the air. A kind of thought or probably a hint of something coming. I can't really tell anything about it. All I know is that each day is countdown. Somehow, I know something will happen. All these chaotic thoughts all went awry, and the only thing that I can do is to pick up the trail.

Coke Float

I wonder what words would I say to you if ever you're here in front of me - when the time comes that we would actually meet again after all this time, and what would you say to me. As we sip our favorite drink, I imagine what would we talk about, unless we would be so dumbfounded when we finally see each other that we can't even try to speak. Or will we just say our usual "hello's" and "how are you's". I imagine you smiling, those smiles that I haven't seen for so long. I wonder how will it feel to look at you in the eye, while in the back of my mind I'll be thinking of you as someone that I used to devote my life with.

I wonder if we would talk about the good old times, of what we had before, those crazy antics and experiences, of the places we've been, of the people we met and knew, of the plans we used to be fond of, and even about how we went crazy, spreading ketchup on both our faces with fries...and I wonder how would it feel to laugh and talk about these things again. I wonder if we would give each other a look in the eye, asking why things will never be the same again.

Sadly, we won't be able to talk about these things. Someone will be waiting for you outside, and you will need to leave as he is waiting anxiously. Time was never really on our side ever since, so why should we protest. I wonder the "sorry's" we would say to each other, and finally wishing each other the best in life. I imagine you leave, never looking back.

And as I make my last sip from my almost empty drink, I look beyond the glass pane and assured myself of one thing : there are other drinks out there worthy of my time.

A Glass Prison

It's like looking at her from a distance. I can see her, look at her, maybe smile at her, but never talk to her. I may send a message through a sign, and that's it. Never a word spoken, never a thought shared. Viewed from every side, this is my fate it seems. I see her with all glory and grace; I witness her joyful moments; but I never hear her voice. Is it just me or there's an unseen barrier between me and her. I am this close yet I'm so far. I'd like to approach her, know her, maybe move a little closer, until I get pushed back by the prison walls.

Somehow I need to see the glass shatter; I need to see it break.

A Song To Sing

I was strumming the guitar last night. I wasn't really singing a particular song. Just a bunch of chords and a few hums of notes. I paused for a brief moment and decided to pluck each string. I closed my eyes, technically staring at nothingness. Then somehow, I found myself humming a familiar melody. Then my left hand unconsciously formed each chord related to that melody. Before I knew it, I was singing a song. Yeah, that song. A song I haven't sung for a long time. A long time. The phrases reminded me of the good times and of good things - things that once were and now lost in time and in memory. Until now, I still find it hard to sing, not to mention that the song actually requires a duet. As I worked my way into the last chorus, just before I hit that high note, both of my hands froze. That particular note - that note which is the highest point in the song, I was unable to sing. Its pathetic cause it is not even a high note. Its just that...I used to sing that note perfectly with someone. I just found myself putting the guitar down. I can't even finish that darn song anymore. Maybe I never will.

I wish I could find someone to sing that song for me. Better, if I can find another song to sing.

Losing My Religion

When I was in my second year in college, I had a brief encounter with religion which changed my view for some time. I was told that the word came from the Latin term re-legare which roughly means to bind again or to connect again. It was explained that religion is a way in which a man reconnects himself to God again; to again try to commune with the Highest Power - to try to once again "unbreak" the bond that was broken between God and man. Whatever that bond might have been, it is a serious one. Even today, most of humanity still depends on religion to guide them, affecting them in many ways. Millions have suffered and died in the name of religion. If this is the case, I surmised that religion, after all, is actually man-made, and anything that is man-made has its faults. Nothing is absolute.

Studying different kinds of religion gave me an opportunity to dissect man's role in religion. The first assumption I had is that religion was invented by man because of two reasons : first, to find an explanation to what his senses detect and to his experiences; and two, to control his feral nature. Since time immemorial, man has been subjected to the the forces of nature. If man experiences or senses something that he cannot explain or understand (which is more often than not, extraordinary), he attributes it to a force unseen and more powerful than him. The idea of a God then arises. He needs to convince himself that anything beyond his control and power comes from a supreme being or force. By inventing this, he submits himself to this force, ends his struggle of finding an answer to anything. He venerates this force, and by submitting to this force, his actions and decisions are all affected. He lives his life under the guidance of this force.

Secondly, man completely understands his feral nature ; that is, his capability to kill, destroy, misuse and abuse anything. Religion becomes a source of control and discipline. For example, the crime of murder. Man is an emotional being, and emotions cloud his rationality. At times his anger overcomes his reasoning, enabling him to kill another. If there's no law against murder, the world would be a different place. A law must be present, and such law should be made under the guidance of a powerful force to compel man to fear punishment. Religion now becomes a source of fear and a form of control. Food is collected, conserved and offered depending on such divine laws. The very nature of man's life is molded and refined because of religion.

The idea of religion being an invention of man rather than something that is given by God is somewhat true. Man has to make something out of his limited understanding of life and of the universe. He then succumbs to a body of axioms, beliefs, fundamentals and perceptions, neglecting the sole purpose of faith. Many have suffered in man's misuse of religion. Religion will never be able to solve life's problems nor will it able to give you the answer to very nature and essence of life. God never spoke of religion I believe. He spoke of love, faith and trust in Him, and not to a set of rituals, rules, ceremonies, forms, culture and traditions that tends to misdirect man into thinking that these are proper ways. Faith is a whole different aspect.

Total Immersion

K4J's last pool party was a breather. Somehow, the longing for a form of relaxation came to me again. I just want to go to the top of a building during the evenings, sit there and immerse myself with the panoramic view of modern city lights. It is a therapy for me really, watching the glittering lights of buildings, street lights and cars as they rush on the crowded traffic. It gives me a sense of wonder : an artificial universe gleaming with hundreds of lights mimicking the stars. I'd be listening to some instrumental song or if not maybe I'd just listen to the sound of the waters in the pool.

I'm such a sentimental freak.

...And we called him 'Berber'

I saw my old teddy bear when I cleaned my closet last night. It has been sitting in that dark and lonely corner for more than a year now. Somehow I felt glad to see it once again.

I took it out and gently rubbed its furry nose. I remember that first time he was given to me. Along with him is a promise of a long and lasting love. He served as a testament of how love grew and prospered. He is a witness of the many wonderful things that two people do and experience all in the name of love. He is a testimony of how two people struggled to beat the odds and fight for their love. It's so sad to know that he has to be a sign of that same love which failed in the end. If he could speak to me right now, I wonder the sad words he will be telling me, and how sad he is to know that he is nothing now but a memoir of a love lost among the intricacies of life and its complications. If he could speak to me right now..yeah.

But he won't speak. He never will. It's a pity.

Maria Lourdes

I didn't know anything about puppy love until I got to grade 2. Before that, all I knew was school, play and sleep. When I was transferred from a private school to a public school, everything changed.

I remember her the instant I walked into the classroom. I was the new kid on the block, came from an elite elementary school, can barely speak Ilocano and looked sheepish. I was crying because I didn't like to be transferred. But I had to. I was sitting there at the last chair of the last row, wiping my tears, then I caught her smiling at me. It was the first smile of the day. I looked at her : cute smile, hypnotic eyes, long and curly semi-blond hair, fair complexion - no, I wasn't interested. She stood up and came to where I was sitting. She gave me a marshmallow. A marshmallow! Now we're talkin'!

For the next couple of weeks, it was all love letters, smiles, glances, timid conversations and, of course, more marshmallows. This went on from grade 2 until grade 6 when we finally parted ways. After the graduation ceremony, she gave me a kiss. For me, it was a sign of gratitude, for those wonderful youthful years we had. The last time that I saw her was before I came back from my last vacation. It was in a hospital and I bet she went for a check-up. She has to go for a check-up because she was eight or nine months pregnant. I saw her smile again - the same smile she gave me on that fateful day. Deep inside, I am truly grateful that she's been part of my life. I was fortunate to be able to know and experience what puppy love is all about. She will forever be a part of my childhood memories.

I Against the Universe (Cosmic Headrush)

In the infinite recesses of space and time, I am but a mote of dust.

It is said that all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Across the endless cycles of seasons and the seemingly ageless eons, human life is only but a flash of light. I, for one, believe that until the time comes that we fully understand our lives' purpose, we are forever bounded by such limits. Within this soul of mine, I find it hard to believe that even life can be so simple yet complicated.

I remember that moment when I came across a scientific principle. Having taught myself of the basic principles and manifestations of relativity and quantum mechanics, I stumbled upon something that confirms reality as we know it. The second of law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium increases over time. Entropy is the amount of randomness, irregularity, or, should I say, chaos in a given system. In a universe considered to be not in equilibrium such as ours, we are at the mercy of this principle. As time increases, entropy will increase no matter what we do. As we look at a glass of water, we don't find it in chaos, but in reality, it is already in a state of conflict, wherein its basic particles are struggling against the forces of gravity and what-not. Everything in the universe, including itself, will come to an end. We humans, having thought of the ones in control, are at the mercy of the very forces of the cosmos. We are bounded to be in chaos. At least, science goes well with religion in relation to a common "end of time". Eternity has to come to an end it seems.

We, however, are created with a gift that transcends both space and time, and that is, our ability to love. It is by this love that we hold on to our hopes and promises : the same love we spoke of when we muttered words of affection, when we did things that we normally can't do, when we devote ourselves in caring and helping each other in the spirit of brotherhood and humanity. It is by this love that we hold on to our faith, and that by being loved and being able to love we are able to sample that elusive touch of eternity. In love, we find that every second of our brief lives extends beyond our current understanding. It is by love that we stand infinite. Love is the very reason of living. Only in love can we find eternity.

I am no longer a mote of dust.

Dark Have Been My Dreams Of Late

For the last two or three weeks, I didn't dream of anything literally. Ever since I became aware of things since I was young, dreams have been part of my slumber. I dream like almost every after two nights on the average, and I can remember most of them. One can almost say that I am a natural dreamer. I dream when I'm in an emotional state : when I'm sad or happy, in love, in distress, inspired or what-not.

Now, I'm almost worried that I don't dream that often. I'm not used to not dreaming. I'm wondering what's wrong with me. Am I not that emotional right now? Lols. Am I too "gray" currently and that am I really that emotionless? Anyways, I hope I can get back to dreaming again. Or maybe I am actually dreaming but only empty dreams. But I don't really like dark and empty dreams. I hope dreams can visit me again.

What A Loser

Work is killing me now. I've got tight deadlines to meet. This sucks. I think this is what work is all about. Somehow I get the feeling that the more you think of work as something very tedious, the more you suffer from its headaches. Anyhow, my boss never did scold me for anything so I think this will be the first time. Lolz.

That's odd. I'm so busy but I even got the time to write on my blog. I'm such a loser hehe.

I Love MU

Somehow, I miss MU, especially playing my DarkLord avatar. Last night I got a glimpse of MU again when I went to one of my friend's birthday and I felt a sense of longing. That game was lifesaver. I gained friends inside the game, friends who do exist in real life. I was really a loner that time. Playing MU gave me an opportunity to fill a space in being alone, and, interestingly, after long months of playing, made me realize that I should get out more often and be with friends. Without MU, I would have been more of a loner now. Playing MU showed the ugly aspects of being alone so, in one way or another, it was really a great help.

Tonight, I will once again rekindle the fire of MU and let the whole MU world know that LordRye has come back to redeem his glory once again. Hahah, 'nuff said.

Endless Sacrifice

I often wonder how great it would be if I could turn back time, and how convenient it would be to correct mistakes in the past - to right what was wrong, and to redeem yourself of the sufferings at present or in the future. Even until now, I still ponder on such wish, and what could have been if I was able to make up for the many things that I neglected.

But time is something that will forever be moving forward, and as much as we want to, the arrow of time can only move in one direction. One thing that we have is our ability to revisit the past - through our memories, and no matter how hard we try, there will always be fragments of a past which will come to your mind from time to time. How we wish we can do a selective removal of such, and how we wish we can select the memories that we want to stay.

In reality, we cannot, and through these memories, we learn to understand, we learn to let go, and we learn to forgive.

Playing Guitar in Relation with Dishwashing

The iWorship Singles concert was really a success, and an eye-opener for me as a musician. I played an acoustic guitar and quite frankly, it felt different. It is an eye opener for me since I've always been a electric guitar guy, and my hands aren't that strong anymore to maintain my grip on chords, most especially on the barred ones.

I can still remember my high school years when I played acoustic guitar all the time. That time was when I was playing guitar for the daily morning mass. There were many occasions where I have to play loud and hard; people at the back can barely hear my guitar, not to mention that I was playing in a rather big-sized church. Also, I can't afford an electric guitar when I was a high school student so I practiced heavily on an acoustic guitar, which is more often than not, borrowed from my friends as I was not able to buy even a modest acoustic guitar before. I practiced all day, everything that I listened to, I'd play on the acoustic guitar. I learned my first song on an acoustic guitar, and played it from start to finish. I completed my first guitar solo on a guitar and it was really fun. I practiced heavily; whenever I get the chance, I'll play the guitar. Practicing heavily also became an excuse for me to skip dish-washing - I reasoned to my mom that I don't want the skin at the tip of my fingers lose their resistance against the strings ( a combination of cold water and detergent soap used in dish-washing during that time was, for me, the most dangerous concoction known to man), so I don't want to wash dishes. I even reasoned out that my hands should rest after every practice, so I made to a point to always practice before meals, so I can skip the dish-washing.

There were other crazy things that I did in the name of guitar playing. The whole point is that one has to be really interested and enthusiastic about learning guitar. Like any other field of interest, you need to have clear goals. From that point on, you can move forward. With patience, perseverance, a little bit of sacrifice, focus and determination, one can truly be the guitarist he or she aspires most.

In Electric Dreams

I recently downloaded some songs from the 80s, and I found one song that truly reminds me of my growing years. Yeah, so I'm form the 80s, and yeah you can probably estimate my age XD. Anyways, as I was listening to the song, I suddenly remembered my youth, those times when I don't really care about anything except playing and listening to the radio all day. Maybe the latter contributed to my musical inclination at present. During those years, I learned about many things : from things that interest me the most such as science, cartoons, music, reading to collecting robots and what-not.


As the song enters its chorus, I felt a warm and comforting sensation, something which tickles the spine as my senses reach out for my younger years. Music is really a powerful medium : it can take you anywhere, at any point in time, past, present and future, even to one's own dreams.

Not An Ordinary Peon It Seems

As I look out of my window from where I work, beyond the beautiful landscaped gardens, I usually see people walk by, either talking or probably just thinking about their own jobs. Under the scorching heat of the sun, I wonder the kind of motivation that drives them work - the reasons that compel them. It becomes apparent to me that I am also one of them : someone who came all the way from my beloved land to work here with my own reasons. Sometimes we get lazy with our work. Sometimes we get this illusion that we're so important that we can just go easy with our work, and when we get tired, we decide to leave the jobs we have. Worst, we buy what we want from the salary that we get. We spend money to pamper ourselves with whatever we want.

From my point of view, we are all but privileged strangers in a foreign land; the ones who are lucky enough among so many people, who perhaps are more suited and better-skilled than us, who can also fill in the job. We are the ones who are among many people who will give or do whatever they can just to find a job in today's receding economy ; people who have the same reason as ours - to give a better life to their loved ones. They are the ones who are in queues everyday in the immigration, spending their little-earned (and sometimes loaned) money to be able to find a job somewhere, carrying the documents and the hopes of landing on any job. They are the unprivileged ones. To a certain extent, we should look at them as an inspiration, and not as a fearful sign of what we can be. We see them and we become aware of how lucky we are to have jobs today, and how strangely blessed we are that we are given a chance to work in a foreign land. It is quite ironic for the under-privileged to inspire the privileged ones, but that is how I see it. So next time, before you think of being lazy at work, or feel like resigning, think of the thousands more of would give anything to fill in that position you have, and how lucky you are to be one of the few who landed up on that job.

Artistic Headrush

There's always something about the rain. The coolness it brings; the sentiments it conjures, and its gentle kiss when it touches the ground.

I can still remember the last rain that I saw when I came back - the smell of wet ground, the noise on the roof, and the soothing raindrops that seem to wash away all your worries. I still can remember the moment when it all came to me, the faint memories of a love long gone - how it began with a simple hello; how it blossomed under the warmth of the sun, guided by the soaring winds of the seasons; how did it endure all the storms; how did it became weak as the sea pounded its sandy foundations; and how did it die like a leaf during fall. All of these rushed into my very senses that faithful moment - their manifestations inevitably enveloped with me, and they rocked me to my core. As raindrops pounded heavily on my face, my heart screamed, creating a nostalgic duet with the roaring thunder above. In the rain, no one would know that you're crying. No one would realize that those are actually tears, and no one would know that you are hurting. I cried my soul out, just to be silenced by the ever-pouring rain. I fell to my knees, hands limping, palms facing the sky, seemingly tired of all the burden. And just as I was about to sink into the mud, I raised my face into the dark skies...

Behind those clouds, I saw a glimpse of the sun.

After A While

I was really tired last night. Came home around 10 then have to walk all the way to church to attend the Singles’ practice. Hopefully we’ll be able to finish the songs and the presentation as well before

Last night, I had a rare chance to jam pop songs with some of my friends. It was really a relief. Somehow being able to play those songs helped to lessen the stress last night. It also gave me a new energy to play my guitar again to a level that is closer to what I was able to play before. I really miss the way I played before, and last night, I caught a mere glimpse of it. I am surprised that I could still do such after a long while.

I Ain't Spidey

Time goes by and I always wonder what my life would be if I hadn’t left my country roughly 3 years ago. I left for a reason anyway : to start earning so that , by God’s will and grace, I can start a family on my own. But times have changed, so people did – and though I may forever have lost the reason why I left in the first place, I still stayed, now for the reason of supporting my sister’s education. Right now, I am quite satisfied with my life as a bachelor. Not worried about getting home late and no worries about being monitored closely by someone. All the luxuries of bachelorhood, I may say, is what I have now.

If I decided to stay back last Christmas, I wouldn’t have had this chance of working and supporting my family, especially now that my father came back home for good. Great bachelorhood comes with great responsibility.

From This Moment

I think that this is one of the few songs that men would really like their brides-to-be to sing for them. This is, as I may call it, the bride's song to her groom. I've seen it many times when I attend a wedding ceremony, but more often than not, it is the official female wedding singer, not the bride, who sings it for the groom. I wonder if the bride is really 'in' for the song.

Few people can appreciate the lyrics of a song, and even fewer can appreciate the fusion of the theme with the melody. For me, this song speaks truly of trust, not submission; of dedication, not obsession; and love, not blindness. I truly believe that of all the people in a wedding ceremony, the bride truly is, the central figure. It is her day it is her moment. For a man to hear his bride sing this song out of love and not out of necessity, it is truly a privilege and an honor.


Anyway,no more headtrips.

Pour Some Sugar On Me

At times, you cross paths with people, and they slowly become part of your daily life. You are happy being with this person, you feel that both of you somehow 'got it'. At that point when you're almost ready for something, the dark side rears its ugly head. Different personalities emerge and differences clash. It is hard to know at times you're not always understood , your words misinterpreted and you're not given a chance to explain your side. More often than not, you find yourself struggling to understand and adapt to these intricacies, but no matter how hard you try, you realize that such feat is futile because, like they say, 'it takes two to tango' - there's no sense in pursuing things if the other doesn't want to cooperate and come into an agreement of some sort. Sometimes you have to know when to stop , especially if you don't want to hurt someone and, of course, yourself.

I am quite sad to know this, and, for once, I am just glad that I realized this as early as possible. That is, it is better to know this beforehand than to acknowledge it when it is too late. I am just glad that I didn't cross that "thin red line". I know I've said things that I didn't meant which hurt the person and I am really sorry. I really do.I just hope and pray that God will find a way for her to find solace, and for us to be good friends again.

Nevertheless, I will forever be a friend no matter what happens. For now, I could use some sweets. There's too much bitterness lately.

I'll Give It a Shot

I saw Kuya Mag's sample photo on the upcoming K4J activity and I really liked it especially the theme. Whose idea was that anyway? Lolz. Anyway I think I'll give photography a try. I'll prove, once and for all, that you don't need to have uber-priced and much-hyped equipment just to make a photograph that stands out among the rest.

Mark my words.

Call Me Old School

I miss old school music. I miss jamming out with the old tunes - tunes that really rock. I miss playing the way I used to play guitar during live performances. I miss the way I play power chords, hearing the "chug" sound while I palm-mute every grain of distortion. I miss the way I shred not caring what the bassist or vocalist might say or react. I miss the sound of the double bass. I miss the sound of a twin guitar/keyboard solo. I miss a lot of things.

Some people might criticize me for this since I am already playing Christian music, and this thought of mine might manifest that I wanna play 'worldly music' as they see it. Personally, Christian music requires one to be disciplined, prim, conservative and quite frankly, you have to observe proper manners. Even the most "rocking" type of Christian music that we play at the church are played in a way that is 'ear-friendly' to most people in the church - played in a way that "people will like it" or the way it is played from the album. Moreover, the music is often controlled by what other musicians want to hear - something which is really kind of sad at times. I am not saying that Christian music is not fulfilling. I prefer it to be a worship music for those who want to be inspired and be closer to God. I see it where it fits in every Christian's life - a food for the soul, a way for us to connect to Him.

But I am not a hypocrite, and by where I stand, I believe that every creature made by God has the right to use and exercise what God gave it as long as it is for His glory and no one is harmed and nothing is compromised. Maybe it was in my upbringing as a musician that I tend to look for the technicality and musicianship that are exhibited in many songs that fall beyond the limits of Christian music - and to say that it is evil to appreciate and use your God-given talent in such songs is, for me, totally "un-Christian" to an extent.

The Great Halo-Halo Project

Of all the foods that I want during the summer,halo-halo would be the very first on my list, and last night I had one really delicious.It has been like a year since I ate halo-halo, and for some reason, last night was something memorable.

I really don't know if last night was a date or some sort. We just enjoyed having conversations, had talks about life and what-not.I found out many things about her, and also with myself - that I felt comfortable talking if I don't have to hesitate and restrain myself in saying what is in my mind. I have been used to measure every word before I speak, but I just found out that it is not necessary to be that rigid as long as you know how to say words properly.

The only problem last night was that I wasn't able to go to our church rehearsal. My fault,I was careless. Next time, I'll definitely make sure these "halo-halo" things
don't get mixed up with my responsibilities.

Paradigm Shift

As time goes on, I often feel that life is too short, and though I'm not even halfway in my life right now, I realize that life is not always about fixing problems. Rather, it is about discovering new things, taking chances, and most of all, being happy.

I somehow pity myself during the difficult times that I had just a few months ago. But then again, I know that there's always a reason why things happen, and though it may forever be hidden from me, I know that God will never leave me, as I cross the many roads of life.

I look ahead as I face new horizons in life.

The F Chord

It was fun last night.

Though I was tired even before the rehearsals, I really made it a point to keep up with the stressful task of arranging songs for each singer. The rehearsal last night was for the Single's Fellowship on June, where selected Single members will be singing songs in "unplugged" mode, so to speak. I think I've gotten so used to electric guitars that I can barely hold a F chord on an acoustic guitar. I'm afraid I have to get back in strengthening my arms and wrists again.

After the activity ,I was totally drained of energy, let alone being able to stand up and walk. I thank God for giving me the energy to endure the whole evening. To God be the glory!

Curves

There was something about her last evening, and though I did my best to hide my admiration, I can't help but manifest myself in the most subtle ways possible. Oh, before I forget - I love how those tight jeans fit.

Under A Glass Moon

Something interesting is happening to me during the past weeks : it would be me on the phone, talking to someone, until my phone credits run out. I have never been so careless, and quite frankly, I'm enjoying it.

Somehow, I should put a stop to it, not because of the money that I am spending, but because of the fact that I don't usually keep track of the time while having conversations. Instead of sleeping early, I now sleep late. It's like sitting under a glass moon - time just stops and the world transforms into a hazy, twilight dreamscape.

Inspired

If there's something that's making everyday exciting for me, that would be the thought of seeing someone at the end of the day. Maybe in time, I will learn to appreciate that more and more, and try to compare it with how I dealt each day during the last couple of months.

Maybe, it won't hurt to be get inspired from time to time.

"Phony Tale"

At a glance, she might look like one of those ordinary girls around. But after a closer look, she actually isn't.

I had a rare chance of getting acquainted with her last evening, together with some of my friends. I discovered a lot about her, and it didn't take long to talk comfortably with her. It wasn't long after when we found ourselves having conversations on the phone about how I am annoyed about how often does she fix her hair. You could almost say that she has that "bubbly" persona, someone whom you can get along easily. She is who she is right there in front of my face...and I've never been so interested.

One thing for sure : I wanna know her more.

Calendar Method

It was a nice weekend. Got plenty of rest and sleep. Wasn't able to jog yesterday evening but its okay.

Chichan visited us last night, showed us pictures of her vacation with Ivan (I hope Ivan has finally recovered so he can play bass again). I saw the excitement and happiness in her eyes, and for a moment I thought of how good it would be to get a vacation from time to time. I miss home. I miss the simple and exciting life back in my country. And now my father is already back, I miss my family more and more.

I'd really like to count the days in the calendar until my vacation, and I actually start to count when the "-ber" months come. But it's still to soon. No worries. I bet its worth the wait.

You're joking, right?

Life is full of surprises. The unexpected comes in the most inappropriate time. I guess this makes life more interesting. The fact that I got an email from her yesterday confirms that life's jokes are the funniest. It annoys me to the point of exaggeration.

I was surprised about the things she said. As I read between the lines, I know she's trying to tell me something, and that's what I'm afraid of. It takes a lot of courage for someone to say those words. She might have eaten a lot of pride for all I know.

Nonetheless, I took it as a friend, not as an ex-bf. I told her that what she and her bf is going through is just normal for those who are just starting a relationship. They can solve those problems as long as they keep the love burning. There was never even a slight throb in my arteries when I said those words. Honestly, I felt totally normal. Its funny because I never imagined giving her those kinds of advises before. Life ,as I said, has quite a sense of humor.

I replied as a friend, and no longer someone who expects a hint of a promise of hope of some sort for things to get back the way they should be. I have moved on ever since that fateful day, and if by any chance or by some divine cause that we should cross paths again, I'll put all my trust to God to know what's best for me.

Yes Man!

Whew, it has been a while since my last post - AGAIN! It has been a trend . Really, work is killing me so I haven't got time to post here.

I have been working out these past weeks, been jogging during late evenings, messing around with dumbbells, changing my diet and what-not. I just realized the importance of keeping fit and staying healthy. Heck, I even got myself to get used of eating apples in the morning - something that I never thought possible.

I'm slowly getting rid of the hate that I felt for someone this passed week. I pray to God that I would finally get rid of it. I also pray for my friend's safety on his vacation with his wife and with their kid.

I felt inspired by the Yes Man movie from Jim Carey. For now, I'd just let myself "float" for a while. I'll try to do something "really unexpected" these coming days. I need to surprise myself once in a while, for a change. Good luck to me.

Noemi

I recently had a very revealing encounter with someone. I used to think of her as someone who's not that friendly, someone who won't participate in things such as having fun in games or what-not. Heck, I even thought that she might not smile that often. But I was wrong. Behind that seriousness in her DJ-like voice and the "idea" of her being that so frigid and unwilling to share her time, she proved to be a good team player and as someone who can get along with teasing and bullying. For what its worth, I admire her for being a true Christian and a real practitioner of the faith.

I just wished that Joel had more patience in dealing with her, understood her more,and appreciated who she truly is despite of her being already engaged with someone. She is really a nice and wonderful person. I hope the best for her and her future.

Oh, This Sucks

I just had 2 posts for the whole month of April? Was I that busy? Darn. Have to be in my Yoda mode again.

That Something

It was a great and long weekend for me and I really enjoyed it. I went to the Single's retreat last Friday and it was fun being with my fellow Christians who came all for His glory. I had a rare chance of wearing my colorful beach polo lolz. Also, I was able to test my PC for the upcoming recording sessions with Praisehearted team. I'm so glad it worked.

These past weeks I have been given some hints of something, but as of now I am not ready for that something. Maybe in time I will.

How Blessed I am to Be His Son

Whew, it has been a very long while since my last blog. I have been so busy at work these past weeks, taking the position of our vacationing graphics designer in the midst of all our projects with F1 and an international boat show. Two weeks of
relentless work, overtimes, late-night stays in the office and so forth, I just felt exhausted. Somehow, working tediously kept me occupied. Somehow it is a relief.

I've been lazy in leveling my Knight in Dekaron. I don't know. I haven't got the energy to wake up every 3 am just to play. Maybe I'll take it slow from this time and if I get to level 120, I'll get my urge back. For now, I'll take it easy.
Anyway, it will be holiday on Saturday. The government just made it an off-set of the wrongly scheduled Labor Day on Friday.

My father is finally going back home tomorrow after years of work from a foreign land. I ponder on the hardship and the sacrifice he has made for me and my family - for me to be able to finish my studies and have a decent life. I ponder on the courage and strength that he had just to support us, considering the nature of his work, the loneliness that he surely felt while being far away from us, and the commitment he has us. I may never be able to have those virtues of his and I may never have the same courage that he has. Deep inside of me, I am so thankful that God gave me a father like him - someone to emulate and to draw inspiration from. I may never have said it but I deep in me, I love him, I respect him, and I am honored and blessed to have him as a father. I may never been half the man I am without his guidance, his discipline and his inspiration. Now that he has finally decided to come back home for good ( to which I felt relieved because I wanted him to stop working because he's not getting any younger), I want to him to enjoy his retirement and take the rest that he deserves after all the years of work. I want him to experience being alive again, being able to enjoy life's simple happiness, to go to some places he didn't yet see. I want to repay him for the his untiring love and devotion to me as his son.

I am proud of my father. I love him. If I could, I would give him my warmest embrace right now, just to let him know how blessed I am to be his son.

Too Long

Whew! Been a while since I wrote my last blog. I have been very busy with work and with Dekaron. At last I got level 115 and now I am looking forward to be 117 tomorrow when its day-off..cause its Easter!!!

Well what can I can say? Been thinking about these past few days about trying out to do some things aside from gaming and guitar playing. Unlike most of my friends now who are indulging themselves with photography, I just can't spend a lot of money to buy overly expensive cameras. I'd rather send the money to my sister at home for her education or just save it.

I think I'll buy a rather cheap video cam and proceed with the documentary video that I planned to do. Well, good luck to me!

Relief

I've been very busy with work these past days. Luckily, I was able to level up in Dekaron, after almost 3 weeks. I don't usually stay up late now to play. Last night, we want to a drag race championship with Ivan, his brother, Allan and Joel. It was really a great experience for me.

I felt relieved. Somehow it was a therapy for me - to go out and see some places. It somehow refreshes you when you're stressed because of work.

Bored of Today

This day seemed to be boring. I had little work. All I’m looking forward to is Mitch’s lunch treat. Nothing interesting really happened today.

There will be a band rehearsal this evening. I sure hope that we finally get the songs right. Until now, I’m still loving the new guitar bought by the music ministry. I can actually do both shred and soulful music in the instrument. Somehow, that guitar eclipsed my notion of the Ibanez RG-based models that I used to dream of.

Wina

I remember her as someone cute and pretty. But I might have never noticed her if I hadn't shifted my attention from my other crushes. Well, this was during my 6th elementary grade, and as every boy nearing his puberty age, every cute girl seems to be a potential "crusher" so to speak. I remember her as one of those girls who can really make me smile. She was one of the "ideal ones". I remember her letters to me, the ones that touched me most when she wrote how happy was she when I told her that I am attracted to her - and, yes, its true, it was just an attraction after all. I felt guilty when I sait it to her. We both knew that we had to part ways.

During my high school days, we were still able to keep in touch. The distance became greater when I went to college to pursue my degree. I almost forgot about her. Sometime duing my last year in college, I came to know that she got preganant and was planning to marry. Our old friends invited me for a beach party, and they told me that she was expecting me. We talked about things until she cried and told me that she needed me. She gave me a kiss and asked me if I'm willing to give us another chance. I told her that she'll be a mother soon, and instead of complicating things, she should be preparing for her family. I knew it was really hard for her but I never wanted to break bonds and relationships. I left the party and moved on.

It was about two years ago when I last saw her. She was working in a dress shop as a saleslady. Though the hardship of being a mother has taken its toll on her, she still had that sweet smile. She was happy. I dreamt of her lately. I saw her with me on that classroom when she and I used to sit and talk about anything.

I hope the best for her and for her family. Her memories will always remind me of a childhood love lost in space and time.

The Solo of My Life

The thing that got me on to playing guitar was when I saw Kuya Mark, my classmate’s brother when I was in elementary, playing the intro solo of Sweet Child of Mine. I was taken back by the mere notion that I can actually see someone making the exact sound that I was hearing from the cassette tape. I was totally blown away. He let me listen to Poison, Guns and Roses, Skid Row and other hair bands. From then on, I decided I have to learn to play guitar. Kuya Mark became my very first and last mentor.

Even after introducing me to Metallica’s Enter Sandman for the first time, I didn’t get serious in practicing and learning advanced guitar. To me, chugging power chords and noodling pentatonic scales (Hammett-style) across the fretboard is all there is. During high school, when I ironically was the drummer of our band, it became apparent that I had to compose songs, and create the guitar solos for each song. That’s when I decided to take my learning to another level – that is, learning the scales and modes. There’s no point in doing solos if they are out of tune. I learned the scales and a little bit of theory. I was proud that somehow I can already improvise. But to an experienced musician, that wasn’t even level 1.

During my 3rd year in college, Kuya Mark striked again and introduced me to Dream Theater. After hearing Images and Words, I was like stunned. I heard sounds that I never heard before. I never imagined anyone could combine technicality, melody, speed and musicality at the same time. For me. Dream Theater took these metal bands to school. From then on, John Petrucci became one of my biggest influences in playing guitar. I decided that in order for me to play his stuff, I needed a deeper knowledge of music and time to practice and improve on skills unknown to me during that time. But it was college, and I don’t even have a guitar (The only time that I can honestly say that I have my own guitar was when I got my 5th paycheck when I was already working. All the guitars that I used from elementary to college were all borrowed.) My parents would rather spend money on my school fees and expenses rather than buy me a guitar. So I told myself, after college, I’ll be the next John Petrucci.

After college, I bought my guitar and started to my self-education in music and theory. Along with Dream Theater, I included Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, Symphony X, and Shawn Lane to name a few, on my list of influences. I studied music theory, notation, advanced scales and chordal harmonies. I took time to learn jazz, fusion and classical music. I even studied pieces from Bach, Paganini, Beethoven and the like, and apply such in guitar. The best thing that I learned from this period is how to improvise – how to do a solo given a certain set of chord progressions. This has a lasting effect on my life being a musician. I am able to apply this skill when I compose songs, and even now that I play for a church band, I am able to imprint my mark on each solo in each song.

Time came when I thought I sounded like John Petrucci, and I realized that after all that I have learned, I have to sound like me, like Ryan, and not him. I have to have my own voice, my own signature. When I play guitar or do a solo, I’d like to people to say “Hey, that’s Ryan playing!” instead of “Hey Ryan, nice one man, you sound like John Petrucci”. I became the anti-thesis of what I aspired years ago.

It was a realization and a change of view for me. I had to mold all my knowledge and skills into one voice – a voice that differentiates me from others. A voice of my own.

I am thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful gift- the gift of music. It made me a better person. Now, I have dedicated my music to inspire others, to let them know life, and to let them know Him – all for His glory.

Music and I

Sometimes I forget to thank God in giving me one of the most priceless gifts in life and that is – music. Not everyone may know this but I may have barely survived high school and college life without music. It is in music that I channeled all my positive and negative emotions. It is where I learned to discipline me, to work out and improve, to practice what I know, to be creative, to self-improve, to mingle with other people, and to look at the brighter side of life. It is also an outlet for me to vent anger, sadness, pride, jealousy and other bad thoughts, instead of releasing such on people. Either I listen or study music because I want to learn it or just to be inspired, music gave me a reason to become who am I.

Even until now, music still permeates most of my life. I still listen to old songs, the ones that inspire me, that ones that commune with my emotions, and very importantly, the ones that move me closer to God.

Eat Me!!!

Last night what’s eating my net connection, and it was really EATEN literally. I found out that the LAN cable has been chewed and eaten by none other than rats.

I hope I can get the cable fixed tonight so I can already play Dekaron.

Moments

I am upset because I didn’t play Dekaron last night. Something’s wrong with the router. I tried my best to fix the cable, the LAN card, the router and what-not, and still the problem persisted. I just hope I can finally fix it when I come home today after work, or at least know what seems to be the problem.

Instead of playing, I started to edit some clips that I’ll be using in the documentary. It seems to be time-consuming since it requires you to watch the whole of each clip from start to finish. If you won’t do this, you won’t know what part to put on what section of the documentary. There are “moments” in each video that you just have to capture. Video editing, I learned, is not that simple. But I know we can do it. It will just have to take time.

Cut It Out!!!

I am thinking of a new hairstyle. I have been using the same one for the last 20 years, and I think it’s time to find a new haircut.

My current haircut is something they call as “barber’s cut, and I always have my hair all brushed up with gel. I am thinking of an “anime” type of hairstyle hahahaha. Let’s just see what’s good for me.

Catherine

I often remember a girl named Catherine. During my high school days, I’ve always longed for the moment when I can say my true feelings for her. But I was the nerdy type, and she probably wouldn’t mingle with me, let alone giving me a chance to share an intimate moment with me. So I stayed from a distance, keeping this secret love with me until the end. I always freeze when she’s in front of me – she’s the only girl who can do that. No one else.

I sent her letters and cards to let her know what I feel during those times. She did wrote back actually, and in that one letter she told me that I have to grow and mature. She was right. I was still a “kid” that time, playful, and maybe not really ready for a relationship. I had to grow. At the prom, I had the guts to dance with her, and told her that I will grow just as she wanted.

She just sent me a message last week in Friendster. I told her that I regret not being able to see her during my vacation last December. She told me I should have. I’m sure I’ll freeze again when I see her. She is in a relationship right now and it’s just sad that it is too late for me now.

She will always have a special place in my heart.

Breaking the Ice

It was rather a very busy and interesting weekend for me. Actually it was Friday the 13th, but everything just went fine yesterday. Joel and I decided to talk to some people (mostly girls lolz), and ask them if we can feature an interview with them in a documentary that we’re planning to do. Personally, I really liked the idea of being to talk to girls without any “shyness” whatsoever. All my life, I am the typical “shy” guy. Yesterday was different. I was happy, being able to see fresh faces, talk to people, converse normally and handle discussions. It was really an ice breaker for me. Maybe I really should be going out more often and meet new faces.


This will be quite interesting.

That Silver Lining

It’s a new day for me. Funny cause it has been like forever, but I still feel like I’m waking up to a brand new day. I’ve finally accepted small truths in life now, and I am sure I’ll be over them. I'll find more truths ahead, and I'll learn to accept them, each truth at a time. Small steps, I always remind myself….small steps, but I’ll get there.

The rain has to end.

Learning to Live part 2

Sometimes :

...you have to accept defeat, and realize that pain is part of life.
...you have to learn to bear your own cross and walk on the beaten path.
...you have to understand that you cannot have ALL that you desire the most.
...to learn that things don't often go the way you want them to.
...you have to know when to stop and to kneel when you can't go on any longer.
...then you have to learn to stand up and pick up the pieces again.
...and learn to breath when you're tired...
...you have to understand that life is not always that fair.
...you have to know when to stop blaming yourself...
...to stop pretending that all things stay the same...
...and know that the only constant thing in this world is change...
...you have to draw the strength and the will from what is left with you...
...and learn your from your misdeeds and faults..
...while you find courage as you face each day...
...you have to realize that love is all about letting go...
...and that somehow, behind all the pain, you have to be happy for others...

...yes..I need to let go...

I'll Keep BZ

I need a project now to keep me busy. I’m not doing hardcore grinding in Dekaron now, and if by any chance, I’ll be leaving, I’d rather do a special project or two before I decide to leave – a sort of a remembrance for my friends here and the good people that helped me in one or another.

I am planning to do a documentary on the life here where I stay. I plan to make the docu revolve around myself, my friends and good people here in Bahrain. I’ll be doing this docu with Joel, my room mate. We plan to do crazy things, especially on the storyboard. The only thing that we don’t have right now is….a video cam. Well..that sux.

My second project is about the recording the church’s first Christian song album. I admit I have little experience in doing formal recording and mixing but I believe with all the help we can get from our members, we can do it.

I hope to start these things this week. I certainly need to get busy with things.

The Last Straw

You can’t understand life really. How I wish I could easily know its intentions.

I just called my ex just now. I told her that her sister told me that she wanted to talk to me. I asked her if she has anything to tell me. I wanted to hear her side. Instead, she told me she has nothing to say to me…nothing at all.

I am a stubborn bull. I was the one who was hurt, still I was the one who reached out, and got nothing in the end. I expected a little bit of emotion, of sentimentality, even just a little “sorry”, but there was none. All I’ve said have fallen to deaf ears.

Maybe that was the last straw.
Maybe I need to carry on from here.

Here I Go Again

I was able to talk to my ex yesterday on the phone. I felt a sense of melancholy listening to her voice again. She told me that she parted ways with her bf. It didn’t last long.

Our talk was less formal, maybe because I didn’t want to sound like I am serious. But then again, talking with your ex has always been serious. She explained to me that it wasn’t her who sent the SMS message that ended our relationship. It was her ex-bf. I was wondering why she didn’t reply herself when they’re not with each other, so I may not have decided to leave in the first place. It was, in a sense, a matter of miscommunication.

So here I go again, wondering if I can give it another chance. I am such a stubborn man.

Now I am torn between two choices : I leave my job here, risk all to uncertainty, go back and take another chance with her (after all that has happened), or I stay here, be secured, and wait for another love.

Because deep in my heart, I still love her.

A Thing About the So-Called "Deep" Musician

Sometimes I get annoyed (and pissed) if a musician (or someone he/she claims to be) comes along and criticizes one’s music, pointing out that it shouldn’t be like that, that it should be like this and that, that something isn’t really necessary, or blabber about someone better than that.

Personally, I think such persons are not musicians at all. Music has so many forms – so many genres, that one skill or fundamental in one form might or might not be applicable to another. Jazz doesn’t sound like rock. You might do a jazz lick in a metal song and it probably it wouldn’t sound metal. My point is, everything has its place in music, so don’t criticize like there’s too much solos in a metal song because metal songs ARE SUPPOSED TO BE METAL SONGS.

Another thing : when you do expressions while playing, that’s because you feel the music. Standing there stolid and looking like an electric post while the music being played is bouncy may not be the best to do, but at least feel the music that you’re playing. The word is EXPRESSION – it is the way you express yourself through the music that you play – whether it be through clothes you wear, the expressions you make or how you play your instrument. I mean classical players don’t need to dress like rock musicians because their genres are not the same. A musician’s skill is a gift from God so why would you criticize others?

Be true to yourself and before you criticize music. Examine yourself. Are you being true to your music or are you just doing it because you think you know so much or you’re so good in your music that you look down on others in doing their own? IF you are really a person from God, how could you look down on others and criticize them for what God has given them? Is it pride? Is it because of ego? Is it because you want people to look at you as someone who is so good in music? Do you want them to think that you’re so meticulously in music and ingrain in their minds that you are superior to others? I think you’re not being a musician at all.

Look at yourself first before pointing your finger to others. If you don’t like a song, don’t FUCKING listen to it.

Give Me a Break

Once I had an idea : wouldn’t it be nice if I’d be whisked to some place where that I long for. A place that I can truly say “home”, way back in the Philippines.

Anyway, I am just being homesick, and the rigors of work have finally caught up with me. I still have cough. I don’t know but this seems to me that I am already burned out. I’d like to take a break. It will be a long while before I’ll get one, and I hope that the next break I’ll get, it won’t be my heart that would break.

Sickly Still

I still have cough today, and I don’t feel well. I think I have this flu in me that don’t want to come out of me. I hope I’ll be well.

There is nothing much today actually. I just went to work even though I feel really sick and weak. I enjoyed last night’s presentation in the church. I felt hungry all day. I hope I can grab some food when I get home today.

Blog Filler

I have a bad cough today and it is all about the weather. It still pretty cold here, early morning showers then cold breezes during the evenings. I had a slight fever last night and my joints hurt the most.

My AK is stuck at 111. Damn.

What I Need

There are things in life that we can never understand. We want things to happen the way we want them to, but maybe because of some divine understanding that we may never comprehend, things just don’t go the way we want them to.

I have loved a lady with all my heart since I fell in love with her. To prepare for our future, I left her with a promise that I will be back to return to her and finally be with her. But people change and so is their character. There are people that you just can’t understand – that you can’t satisfy. Maybe I just loved the wrong person.

My ex wishes me to talk to her, after all that she’s done – after all that has happened, and though she has hurt me, part of me tells me that I should give ANOTHER chance. But another part of me says that I cannot give anymore – that I cannot trust her now. She was able to hurt me then, and she can do it again. I want to finally say to myself that it was a lost cause, and that were destined to follow separate paths. She is destined for someone else, and I too am destined for someone who deserves my love. I have to thank her for being part of my life and that she showed me many things. I have learned so much from her.

What I need right now is to totally forget about the past and look forward for what’s ahead of me. I cannot dwell within the past anymore.

I need to heal.
I need to live again.

Rainy Days and Sundays Part 2

It is raining today. The skies are dark. Somehow I knew the day will be a little different.

I had a chat with my ex’s sister today, and it wasn’t good. Not good at all.

She asked me if her sister and I can talk.

Honestly, I didn’t expect that. She told me that if I am willing to talk to her sister and if I’d probably give it another chance – the same chance that I was asking from my ex before I left last December – that same chance that I was deprived of.

I don’t know what to believe in or what to think right now. I don’t know if I can give more. I don’t know if it is really worthy to leave my job and career for the sake of finally saving my relationship: an act that was supposed to be finished and done and left alone.

I confess, my heart still beats for her, but I don’t know if I can take that risk, after what has happened. I am lost.

I'm Falling in Love Again

I haven’t been practicing guitar for almost four months now. The only time that I get to hold a guitar is during church band rehearsals. I haven’t played Becky (my guitar’s nickname) for so long and I think I have forgotten the feel of it in my fingers. The new guitar bought by the church ( I was the one who actually recommended and chose the thing) is really very nice. It’s a Washburn Idol series with Sunburst color, Seymour Duncan pickups (whow) and Grover tuning system. We got a very fair price for it and if I had enough money enough now, I’d buy that guitar. It is really a nice guitar. It’s the first time that I like a non-RG Ibanez body guitar. The warm tone is also really wonderful. I confess – I fell in love with the guitar. I’m falling for it.

Leslie Anne

I remember a cute girl when I was in high school. She was like two years younger than me. I remember her as someone who is attractive – cute, had a very sweet smile, fine complexion – still much like a little girl. Rumor has it that she was a lesbian but I never went on thinking of her that way. To me, she was one of those few crushes that I had.

When I started working as a college instructor, I discovered that she was studying where I was teaching, taking the course in a college were I am a faculty member. I did some research and found out interesting things about her – playgirl, always with boys instead of girls, always partying, happy go lucky, doesn’t care about the world, had many relationships and the list goes on. Somehow, she was still that girl that I saw during high school, thought more “playful”.

To my surprise, she became one of my students in not one but three subjects. Of course she already knows me since I was one of the popular guys when we were in high school. I suddenly developed an excitement to teach those three subjects because that’s the only time that I can stare at her without being obvious. Outside class, it’s the usual routine. We smile at each other when we see each other around corners, the school corridor and the like. It was quite obvious because I don’t really warm up or smile to my other students. I was the snob type, but not to her. She saw this and I bet she realized that I was attracted to her. Truly, I was. I love her when she smiles at me – that innocent smile that always took my stress away from me. I love seeing her in tight jeans, and although she’s quite small with a gorgeous body, she was always looking sexy.

Time went by and I observed that she was failing her grades. I talked to her, encouraging her to study hard. I even gave her special projects for her to cope. I did everything within my limits as an instructor to let her pass, not because I liked her, but because I wanted to help her as much as I wanted to help my other students. In the end, I can’t justify giving her grades that she won’t deserve. I failed her – but she understood me. I know that she was having some personal problems with her boy friend and other things. As a teacher, I never crossed that limit and invade her life. I stayed afar, wishing that she may soon find solace and find her resolve.

For me, it was like a mere infatuation – an attraction. I quickly forgot about her when someone came into my life. These past weeks, I suddenly remembered her, maybe because of my loneliness that I try to think about all the good things (and girls  ) that were part of my life. I can’t seem to find here among my students’ and friends’ Friendster accounts. I wish to see her. I wish to know how she is, and though I may forever be just a figment in her memory, I look forward to the day that I may see her sweet smile again.

Reality 101

Summer has finally come, and though a cold breeze still envelops each evening sky, there’s no doubt the sun will be trashing out all its fury every next day. The occasional cold is brought by sandstorms actually, so instead of going out, I have to stay inside to get free from dust.

Last night Joel and I had this crazy discussion about a girl that he liked. He told me he always sees her around when he goes out buying in the grocery store. He actually planned to know her. However, he almost cried to his dismay on what he saw last night. He was in this pharmacy to buy something for his cough. He saw the girl but much to his surprise, she was buying some pregnancy test kit, the whole box of it. To make things worse, she had to go out and get some money from her boyfriend who is waiting in the car. The guy was definitely not Filipino. Joel’s heart just broke.

The girl could have opted for a Filipino guy, Joel thought. He may even understand it. But the mere idea that the girl is with that kind of guy gives us the impression that she’s just doing it for the sake of money – and that she may be in a very difficult situation financially, but these kinds of guys are not the ones who can take her seriously especially with her nationality. I am not being racist here, but these guys’ reputation precedes them well. Joel even joked that he is willing to be the father to the girl’s child.

We just came to realize that truths in life can get so difficult to accept, even for those who hope for something better.

Of Ghosts and Routines

Mornings are lifeless routines for me. I wake up, realize that its just another ordinary morning, get up, take a bath, brush my teeth, change clothes, listen to songs while waiting for our driver to come, come to the office, make coffee then work my ass off until 4 PM. Nothing special it seems.

One of my friends had this crazy idea of hooking me up with someone. I joked for a while, telling him that I might hurt the girl instead since I am so focused on work and Dekaron that I may not give the girl the attention and love that she deserves.

But in reality, I am afraid to love again, and I confess that I may really hurt the girl from my busy “routine” life right now, a big part of me fears that I may fail once more – that I fear of being hurt again. Memories of a past still haunt me in my loneliness. These ghosts “whisper” in ears.

Though it may appear that what I really need in fact is a new love in order to “exorcize” these ghosts, I resent the idea. I don’t want to use someone to cover what still torments me, and I don’t want to hurt anyone any more than I hurt myself.

For now, I have a wish

If there’s one thing in my life that I could wish at present, maybe that would be to tour the world and see places. I’d like to see Spain, Italy, New Zealand, maybe Hawaii or Japan.

I would like to see different places – places close to Nature – mountains, trees, animals, landscapes and much more. I’d like to take a break from life. I know that God has plans for me, and if by any chance my wish would come true, it would be by His will, not mine.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Just came to work this morning. The weekend went nice. Came to church, then we helped Chichan in practicing a youth presentation, then went out together with Ivan, Joel and Mike for an early-dinner pizza treat. Later, we watched two films.

The second film struck me the most. Titled “Forgetting Sarah Marshalls”, the film is about a guy who was dumped by her girlfriend for someone else, then had to go through a lot to try to forget the girl until he finds someone who can truly love him. I learned many things from the movie, and I realized that if you don’t really deserve a relationship, you have to stop and let go…..cough cough cough…

All I can say is : the film was an eye-opener.

R E L A X

Nothing much today...work is only until 1 pm. I’ll head home and maybe cook lunch, play Dekaron and just relax..

I had great time last night in the band rehearsal though I was late because I had to accompany my friend Ivan and his girlfriend Chichan who had sprained her ankle. I came to work today without having breakfast as usual. I know I need to eat breakfast – I’ll try my best to regularly have breakfast starting next month.

I’m looking forward in spending the weekend right by just relaxing and keeping it cool. I really need it because the past week has been so hectic.

Learning to Live

I missed writing on my blog yesterday because of work. I think my karma came to me and all of a sudden I was buried with work. As of this writing I am still loaded with work but I can resist writing something here.

Nothing much happened yesterday. Same old story – Dekaron lagged so I was barely able to play, watched TV and so on. Joel and I had this little discussion about heartaches and regrets and what-not the night before. It was a funny discussion, especially when both of us tend to make hypocritical and sentimental jokes about our experiences with ladies. Somehow, I came up to one conclusion – one has to flow and tag along with Life, not against it. I realized that the world is never a place for angels – life is harsh, hard, full of pain and heartaches – and the only way you can cope with it is to stand up, accept life and things for what they are, and go with the flow. You have to be a log in a river – you stop and you won’t go nowhere; you go against the flow and all you get is a lot of beating from the waters, which will make you weaker each moment; but when you go with the flow, you definitely will go somewhere without trashing against the drafts.

I have to learn to accept many truths about life in the real world. I have to learn to let go of things. For now, all I can say is...I am only just beginning to learn how to live.

My Cross to Bear

There came a point in my life that I wished I could remove myself of some memories. I had this wishful thinking that memories are stored in every strand of hair, and I can get rid of them just by shaving it all off. But it is not quite that simple.

The hard truth is that one has to live with these memories, and though such memories are already part of the past, the harder you try to cover them, there are things that just won’t die. These memories touch me more often than not, maybe because of the pain that still lingers on inside me. Every night as I close my eyes, memories torment me like demons. Is it because of me still unable to forgive myself for everything that has happened? Or is it because I am still struggling to hold on to a lost cause…to a lost dream. It’s so easy to say that I will get this over with but it’s easier said than done.

I’ve come to realize that I may have to bear this cross for a long time…a long time, and I hope that what awaits at the end can finally wash away all the pain.

Sonata

When I went to my last vacation, aside from the things that I had to take care of, I am supposed to meet this old friend of mine. Her name is Jheng and she worked in Bahrain a year ago or so. She was, and still is, a special friend. If you can name something such as a “Platonic friendship”, that’s what we had.

I never mentioned to anyone (and probably never will) the details of how deep the relationship was, but both of us knew that we were both there for each other when things let us down – it was a perfect twist of friendship…and though someday it may appear to anyone that we could have crossed that thin line between love and friendship, both of us are glad that we didn’t dare to. Things were so complicated back then, as they are still now.

I was supposed to meet her any time during my vacation. I even called her and set a date for meeting. I believe she was really looking forward to it. Chats and SMS messages were the only means of communication we had before and if worse comes to worst , it’ll be another year before we meet again. She even asked for a day-off as I was told. But…I didn’t go. I didn’t meet her. In short, I broke my promise.

Why? Because in my heart that time, I still love my ex, and I don’t wanna hurt other people. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to stand in front of Jheng and pretend that I am someone that I am not. I don’t want to say things that I never meant to say. Deep in my heart, something told me that I should not go…that I don’t want to hurt another again.
And so, I did that. I could have called her to say that I don’t wanna go, but there I go. Never was an email, never was a call, never was a message whatsoever – total silence. I left her hoping…expecting…hurting, and I feel that I did hurt her more…but I did what I have to do – I’d rather blame myself in hurting her, than to lie to her right in her face. It has been my motto : better to accept the blame than to see people get hurt.

When I came back, I talked to her through chat, and explained to her my very reasons. I knew she was hurting, and I knew that somehow, if I can never make it up to her, I have to ask for her forgiveness. She told me she is tired and she gave up of it – but my surprise, she forgave me and understood what I was going through. As of now, we’re still good friends and we still keep in touch. Only time can tell where will the journey end.

I pray and hope all the best for her and for her career. May she find the one who can give her all the love she needs and who will take care of her and give her the attention she deserves.

Annoying TV Program

It was an uneventful Valentine’s day as expected. I went home, played Dekaron and had leveled my AK to 60% and it felt fine. No stresses to level that fast.

The most annoying thing in the world is to watch a love story-movie named “Moments of Love” during the night. Joel and I had these outrageous (and often sarcastic) reactions while watching the movie. It was a funny and equally frustrating activity watching a love story during Valentine’s Day when you’re single or broken-hearted. Really annoying.

Today, the sky during the morning was quite dim. I don’t know…maybe I’ll just play for an hour or so later then I’ll head to church to do the rehearsal in Praisehearted.

Murmurs of the Heart on Valentine’s Day

It is my first Valentine’s Day without a special someone, and the loneliness kills me. I remember that even though I was away with my ex-gf from my last relationship, I was happy back then, knowing that we were together in spirit and in love from a great distance.

I miss those days, and I miss her still, and no matter how hard I try, her memory lives in me. I know I will get over this for sure and it won’t be that easy. I know that she is happy now with someone, and I hope and pray that she has finally found the love that I wasn’t able to give her through all my shortcomings and faults.

I love her still, and she will forever have a special place in my heart as long as I live. Forever love.

What Can I say?

Nothing much today. I got pictures from my sister. I'll be going to the immigration seminar on Friday.

I hope I can join the DF event later. My net still lags but I am still hopeful.
I am hungry. I need to eat ASAP!

Failed to Impress the Gods

I tried upgrading my Dekaron shield last night to +7 and roughly spent around 10m in total - and it failed. But it is part of the game, and somehow I didn't take it too hard. Maybe the failure that I just had back home taught me how to embrace failures and realities in life. So I have to move on, and so is my gaming.

I was so busy today. I had to make a rate card for this Filipino magazine and I have to impress my boss with it. Keeping myself busy at work is a therapy for me, especially because memories of the past still cling on me from time to time.

I hope and pray that I may soon get this through.

Knee-Deep

I had a very busy day at work, and I like it. Better than doing nothing. I look forward in leveling up today.

Catherine, my childhood crush, just accepted my friendship request.Oh no!

:)

Sara

I had this little, itsy-tweeny tiny crush on one of my former colleagues at work. Her name is Sara and she works in a diferent company now. I do believe she is really attractive and I confess that her eyes and smiles strike me the most when I see her. But I never dared to tell her about this.

I just added her on my Facebook today though I never expected that she would approve it. She's in a different league, having a different nationality and that means a different lifestyle. I am just happy to have met her and had the experience of working with her. I know I should have taken the chance of knowing her better, to be a little closer, but because of what I said about us being of different descent, it's just wishful thinking.

I hope for the best in her career and family.I hope to see her soon too, somewhere, somehow.

Dinakdakkan Blues

I had a great night. Our band rehearsal was better compared to last week. I really enjoyed playing- all for His glory. Also, in Deka, we tried to do DP 90 with 3 first-timers from my guild and it failed since the seg got dc. But anyway, it was fun. We also had a guild PK and I was gangbanged lols.

I’m not expecting too much today at work unless I get the Macbook’s AC adaptor. I’ve got a lot of work in my hand actually but that’s beside the point. I’m just going to let the day pass and do any work that is given to me. I fixed my Facebook account. It won’t do me any good I think but Friendster’s getting old, and I don’t have a Friendster account in the first place.

I miss eating dinakdakkan.

Aw, No Way!

I recently sent a Friendster invitation to my ex Cathy, and she approved. She even replied and posted some new pictures of hers and her friends. She left a message and I responded of course. So..?

I never thought she would reply, let alone approving my friend request.

X will always be an X, the same way as A will always be an A, and so with every letter in the English alphabet.

Rainy Days and Sundays

Last night was really annoying. First, my net connection was spiking. My Deka screen is freezing. Next, I spent so much dil in doing DP runs and I didn’t get any magical stones because the party always failed. I hate my net connection.

It is cloudy today, and it rained when I was on my way to work. Somehow it brings a sense of sentimentality – a feeling of being withdrawn, a feeling of thoughtfulness and bit of sadness in the air when the heavens open its floodgates. I always feel this when it rains. Too bad I can’t hear the raindrops. I love listening to the gentle pouring of the rain the roof.

I admit – I am a “weatherman”.

It is a Great Day to Play

Yahhhoooo!!! Got my PC last night! I quickly installed Dekaron and logged in. I felt really relieved to see my avatar again. Though my net sucks, it didn’t matter. I really wanted to play so there I went.

I am so thankful and grateful that Ivan, Chichan and Joel were there to help me get my PC. Today I’ll get a free PC desk from Larj (such a wonderful guy). Dennis also, one of my guildmates, who helped find a new and good PC – a PC which is really great and I know I will really enjoy playing Dekaron with it.

Somehow, with what I am going through currently, I am still thankful to God that I have friends like them willing to help me – whom I can depend on, and I realize that God will always be there to guide and help me get this through. I thank God for all the blessings that I have right now.

A Long Weekend

It's Thursday and work is until 1 pm. I'm supposed to be looking forward for the weekend if only I have a PC. I sure hope I can get my hands on one today or tomorrow.

No plans yet for the rest of the day. More walks maybe, trying to shake emotions, see scenery. Oh yeah, I'll be going to Chili's early this evening with my guildmates in MU and Dekaron. I could almost smell that steak. :)

Chicken Broasted and What-Not

I had my favorite chicken broasted and shawarma last night. I didn’t mind my diet, I just wanted to eat. Somehow, these kinds of food are Bahrain’s mark on me, and it won’t be easy to remove myself of it.

Early in the evening I tried to play my electric guitar. It’s been like 2 months since I played and it felt different. My fingers aren’t that flexible like before. Obviously, either I need to practice and do warm ups again or just let my fingers stay that way. Anyway, I’m not in the shred stuff anymore. I’d rather go more melodic now – the idea of “less is more” thing.

I hope I can get my PC as soon as possible. I really need to play and Deka and get back to my game. I really need an outlet – something that can deviate my attention as I move on. I hope something goes well.

Shards from a Past

I woke up this morning and it felt the way I usually wake up 7 or 8 years back.I had a dream about my first GF last night - my very first love. Her name is Cathy.

We were in a classroom and people are teasing us with each other. In the dream I felt like the first day I saw her in college, and how I fell in love with her.

Somehow it brought back a smile to me; a smile that has been so elusive since I got from my vacation - a smile that, I can truly say, came from my heart.

She's in Singapore now and living off her career. The dream brought back many sweet memories of a young love lost in time that I will always cherish as long as I live, and with her I am so thankful that once in my life, someone like her gave me a chance to share that love.I wonder how would she react if I'd tell her this.

Though she's far, she literally brought a smile to my face.

Addicted to the Rush

I miss my Azure Knight (AK) in Dekaron, and until now I don't have a PC yet to play the game. I need to play ASAP! I am having convulsions in trying to control myself.

I need to see my wings again...(sigh)...

Photography is in the House yo!

The photography seminar last night was really an eye-opener for most of my friends. Indeed, it is a wonderful hobby. Too bad I can’t spend that much in buying a camera, but as the speakers have said, as long as you know to make a good composition, even your cellphone cameras would make Mona Lisas.

I was glad I saw Ivan last night in the seminar. That means that his arm is making steady progress and I felt really happy to see Chichan there with him. I’m glad the both of them are doing fine now. It is not easy to be in Ivan’s situation. I even helped him close his jeans’ button when he went to answer Nature’s call. We were laughing in the restroom. I never imagined that his jeans could fit so tightly. Thank God I forgot to get it on video for my documentary. It would have been so hilarious.

There was this lady last night. She had a strange smile at me…anyway nevermind.

Another Day Ahead

I had the feeling that today will be uneventful, unless my boss gives me something to work on to. I woke up and felt something itchy with my throat. I hope I won't get coughs.

Had no breakfast as usual but I’m sure coffee’s waiting for me at the office. It has been my morning routine actually. It is kinda cloudy outside, one not surely promising any showers but nonetheless adds to the melancholy of things. From the moment I wake up, two thoughts raced into my mind : one, I really need a PC for Dekaron but I can’t buy now since my salary is like 30 days away, and I hope I can borrow money from my friend at Chilis; and two, I need to ask my boss if she could give me an advance since I need to pay the rent (I sent all my money at home during my vacation in the hopes of marrying someone).

Anyway, life goes on. I just hope I can survive the day.

My First Working Day (Again)

I like surfing the net, especially during my idle times at work, just like now. I just finished visiting my favorites sites, got to have a simple chat with 2 of my friends, and browsed the Dekaron forums. Again, the thought came to me : I need to get a PC at home and play Dekaron again.

I need to keep myself busy again, try to avoid being alone, just be with friends and and with happy people, see happy things - all with the high hopes of forgetting and moving on and starting a new life.


For now, I need to get back to Dekaron.

To Live and Love Again

It has been more than a year (or so) since my last blog. I never bothered to write blogs before and, to be honest, I think that I’m only starting to join the bandwagon. I feel that though my writing ‘prowess’ may not be at par with many others to join the blog arena, blogging might give me a chance to know myself better…something that I can ponder on when I am old and weary.

I just came back from a lengthy vacation in the Philippines. I went to spend the holidays with my mother and sister, and with it are high hopes that I would be able to fix a relationship that I carelessly left behind. In that relationship, I tried to save anything that I thought I left behind, only to find out that there wasn’t anything left. I tried to win a heart back again, to fail in the end. I tried to win a battle that started years back when I found love. I tried to justify my reason of leaving someone for the sake of preparing for the future only to find out in the end that securing one is not enough.

Now I’m back at work, trying to start a new life ahead of me, carrying on with all the burden and consequences of my past mistakes. For now, I’ll just let myself drift to where life brings me, carefully threading each path so I may again find the reason to live and love again.